Driving Imperfections

OK, I admit it. Sometimes I'm not perfect. I'm usually the first one to admit it. I have faults - some pretty major faults. One of them being that I take on too many tasks at once. Another is that my mind wanders easily - even more as I get older. For example, I was late going to pick up my Husband and on the way there I began going over an arguement I had had with our daughter earlier in the week. Actually, I was preaching in my head, figuring out how I could use our experience with a teenager to help others in their relationships. Well, I tend to get really into my own imagination some times and so here I am, driving down the highway, preaching out loud in my car to the imaginary congregation and I glance over to see Mr. Highway Patrol sitting in a driveway. I looked down to discover I was going 77 in a 55 and promptly pulled over. I didn't even wait for the lights to come on behind me. I had done it and there was no denying. So I had a large fine and to reduce that fine and stay away from points, I also signed up for a driving course.
Now I'm taking my course online and waiting patiently (OK, impatiently) for the time to pass until I can continue. I have learned one thing. I've always wondered if you have to stop for a bus when it's a 6 lane highway. Or what if the highway is divided? Maybe you've all known the answers to this, but I've been in the dark. So now I know. And I'm more confused than ever. If the highway is not divided, you MUST stop. However, if the highway is divided, then you have to stop unless the median is 5 foot or wider. How am I suppose to know that?!? When a school bus stops on a divided highway, I need to figure out if the median is 4 feet or 5 feet wide? While driving down the road? Great! Now I'll be more unsure of whether or not I should stop. And you need to get it right , because believe me, if you stop on a major highway when you're not suppose to, fellow drivers will let you know.

Back Up

My life as I know it, has ended. OK, maybe it's not as bad as that, but it seems really, really bad right now. Our computer died this weekend. The computer has been my friend. It was the only thing in our house that spent almost as much time working on ministry as I do. But then, without warning, it ceased to exist. We turned it off and now it won't turn on. Sure, I know about back ups and I always thought I should get around to it, but it the grand scheme of things, it just wasn't on my list of priorities. Now most of the work I've done on our ministry in the last 4 years is quietly hidden somewhere deep inside the heart of my silent computer.

The most heartbreaking is the recent work. Our annual women's conference is in 3 months and I just finished the posters and brochures - they were on the computer. All our minutes and goals and event plans for the future - on the computer. Books I want to write, research I've done - you guessed it - on the computer. Isn't that where you're supposed to store most of your heart's work? Trusted to a metal box?

One thing I've realized is that life still goes on. I should have backed up. However, regardless of the extra work my mistake will cost me, the world will continue to spin and day and night will continue to pass. I am not going to be stressed by this. After all, I can't change it. I can only go forward and learn from my mistakes. And warn others. Don't trust the computer! BACK UP!!! Always BACK UP! It's funny these things happen at times in my life when I'm feeling the most overwhelmed. I know that God has been asking me to evaluate the things in my life and choose carefully those things that are of kingdom importance. The rest need to be put aside, for now. Not that I must always be working or preaching, but that I need to always be careful to stop spreading myself too thin and taking on tasks that are not mine to do.

I've called our faithful Pastor friend who is also a computer whiz and there is a small glimmer of hope that my efforts, hidden deep in the recesses of my once active computer, may be salvaged and resurrected. Pray for me. Pray for my computer.

Pastor's Luncheon - the way it should be!

I tried to get online last night to blog this, but the internet was acting up. I went to a Pastor's luncheon yesterday with my husband. It was interesting because we had received the invitation, did not know who it was from or who (if anyone) would be there, but decided to go anyway. It was so much a God thing. We've been to many lunches before and each Pastor introduces themselves and their church. But this time there was something else. These Pastors were so passionate about God and what He is doing that they couldn't help but pour it out. Every person that introduced themselves shared their passion and their heart. One woman stood up to speak and I instantly felt a connection to her. She was excited to serve Jesus! And most of the visitors at Golden Corral yesterday heard all about it! I found out later that when I spoke, she felt the same connection and we are already planning to do some things together. Don't get me wrong - I'm not putting down other meetings - all different types are needed, but it is the first time I have gone to a luncheon and walked away feeling more on fire than when I walked in. Instead of hearing about each ministers struggles, we heard about the passion they have to connect together. Imagine what the body could accomplish if churches joined forces! Hmmm........
Anyway, I jsut had to share. I love attending places where I leave hungrier than I arrived - spiritually, that is. My other half felt the same way - he preached all the way home and hasn't been able to get off the keyboard for more than a couple of hours to sleep. I truly believe God's anointing is going to continue to come forth - stronger and more powerful - as we go deeper. And I want to be ALL up in HIS business!

Once Saved Always Saved

You might want to grab a drink and get comfy. I'm about to step on some toes.

I doscovered a belief recently that I've never heard of before. Obviously, I'm still pretty new in ministry. There's a lot I don't know and I'm the first one to admit it. I usually don't concern myself with different opinions, as long as people believe in Jesus, I think our focus should be growing the kingdom. But I need to speak up when I believe it's something that could fool people into hell.

I was in a church recently and the Pastor said that he believes "once saved, always saved (OSAS)." I'd never even heard that before. Actually, I do remember someone questioning a minister about it when Bill Clinton was President and had all his problems - their response was that Clinton hadn't truly had a salvation experience or he would not have done such things??? No comment. Anyway, other than that one time, I've never heard of it and never really thought about it. Now, I'm thinking constantly. Is it true? Is it partially true? I guess I thought I'm saved through faith because I believe in my heart and confess with my mouth, but that I have free will to change my mind and give up my salvation if I ever chose to do so.

Apparently, there are 2 opinions in the "OSAS" beliefs to explain my decision to walk away. One is that I was never really saved to begin with. The other is that I have received the seal that cannot be broken and therefore I'm going to heaven regardless of any decisions I make after salvation.

So here's my response:
If I can do whatever I want and still go to heaven -
WHY DIDN"T ANYONE TELL ME THIS BEFORE!?!?!? Why am I working so diligently to constantly improve and grow closer to God? Why did I quit drinking and drugs and other "sinful" habits? Why did Jesus say that some will hear, "Depart from me. I never knew you." Does that mean they were never saved? Or perhaps they did experience salvation, but were so busy with their own agenda and doing what they wanted that they never bothered to build a relationship? (Maybe they thought once saved, always saved!) Why did Jesus warn that those who don't produce good fruit will be cut down?

What about Jesus' warning that the lukewarm would be spewed from his mouth? Why did Paul say that he beat his body into submission so that after he had preached to others, he would not be found unworthy himself? It sounds to me like he believed it was possible to lose his ticket to heaven. What about those who were Christians and have renounced Christ and become Buddists or Muslims? Do they get to still go to heaven?

I have a lot of problems with this belief, however, I can't actually prove the belief wrong. I mean, I know people who were saved (really, truly saved) who let compromise and unbelief come into their life and they walked away. I was one of them. I got saved & baptized as a child. I loved Jesus and I know if I had died I would have gone to heaven. Then, as a teenager, I turned to rebellion. There was a time when I even dabbled in Satanic worship. I do not believe for a second that had I died in my rebellion - in a sinful relationship, cursing God, with a cocaine needle in my arm that I would have gone to heaven. I knew even then that I was going to hell; I just didn't care. Here's the kicker: I don't die out there. I eventually repented and came back. I can't prove or disprove this theory, because I don't know anyone whose walked away and died before they repented and returned. I believe fully that if you turn your back on God and die, you will go to hell. However, PERHAPS there is a seal or mark or favor from God that spares your life until you repent and return. I don't know. I know there were times in my rebellion that I should have been dead yet here I am. And I know I'm not going to take the chance to test this theory and find out if it's right or not!

Yes, Jehovah God is a God of great mercy, but He is also a jealous God. Yes, His gifts are free and for all and forever, but those gifts have to be accepted. No, He does not take back a gift once He's given it, but perhaps we have the free will to put the gift down, hand it back or simply throw it away. Any comments?

Change

I keep saying I'm going to write more, yet time keeps flying by and every time it's weeks before I get back. Things are good. I've made some decisions and will be making some changes over the next few months. I have to or I will never make it to where I'm supposed to be. Right now I work for 3 different ministries and basically run myself ragged on a regular basis. It wouldn't be bad except that I'm neglecting those things I know I'm supposed to be doing. For example, developing conferences, confronting my weight and eating, and writing, writing, writing. I have so many ideas and things in my head, I just always put off my dreams for the things that need to be done right away. I've talked to my husband and he agrees. If we don't step out and take the chance we will always be barely making it - going from paycheck to paycheck. It reminds me of a song from a few years ago - I'm diving in, I'm going deep, in over my head I wanna be. That's me!
Good night!

Mr. Perfect

My husband was so awesome tonight I just have to brag. I'm not sure if I'm bragging more on him or God - both I guess. So often, my honey comes home from work and he's done. He works really hard during the day and comes home drained and he does nothing else unless I ask (or sometimes nag!) him. I know that this is the norm for most men and so I don't complain most of the time anymore, but I've really been thinking since my bout at the hospital. If we are ever going to reach where God is asking us to go, it will take more than the usual 9-5 work day. It will mean doing extra work in the evenings and pulling together and paying a price to go further. I tend to do this more often than my husband; I'm gone several nights a week doing ministry work. Monday nights I teach a women's Bible Study and then lead intercessory prayer. I am literally out of the house from 7 a.m. until 8:30 p.m. This is the perfect time for my husband to watch TV, relax, basically do nothing and not be bothered. Well, todahe worked, we had great conversation on the way home, then he did some laundry, played a game with our daughter, picked up dinner, helped clean up, and is now studying the Pentacostal Pastor book! He's awesome! I love these brief moments that I get a glimpse into his potential. He's making an effort and that makes all the difference in the world to me. Lord, just help me enjoy days like this - and may there be many more.

Hospital Visit

I need to make an effort to write more often. It seems like everyday I think of things I want to share, but when I finally get here, it's so hard to put my thoughts in order. God is showing me so much right now that I want to share - where do I start. I spent 3 days in the hospital this month. They thought it was my heart, which really scared me. I realized how quickly my life is moving forward - whether I'm ready or not. It seems like so recently that I finished high school. How could I be 39 already? My husband is getting gray hair - when did he get old? I realize to many we are still young, but there are just as many who are younger than us - much more than there use to be. Anyway, I had 3 days in the hospital to think about where I'm at - and where I want to go.

I know that I could go to heaven and be OK if I was to die right now. The problem is, I feel that I haven't accomplished enough. I'm not ready to stand before Jesus because there is so much more that I want to do for Him before I see Him face to face. Someone asked me exactly what I needed to accomplish for God to be pleased. In other words, what would I have to do to have accomplished "enough." I realized that, knowing myself, I will never feel like I have done enough. No matter what I accomplish for God, there will always be more that I could do - more people to reach, another book to write, more people needing healing, deliverance, freedom, etc. I will probably never be satisfied with what I've done - and for now I'm OK with that. I don't think we should ever be satisfied. After all, if we're still alive then there must be more to do. If I accomplish all that I was created to do, then I doubt that God will leave me on the Earth any longer.

However, I also know that many people never accomplish all that they were meant to do. I don't want that to happen to me. And so I have come away from my hospital stay with an intense desire to be more focused on my future and my destiny. I waste so much time with unimportant matters - TV, petty arguements, extra sleep. I want to run with Jesus. I just hope that I can go forward and not just fall back into that same old rutt in a couple weeks.

Oh, my heart seems to be fine. They found a cyst on the "pocket that holds my heart" (I didn't even know there was such a thing) but they think it's been there since birth. What they did find is gallstones, a kidney stone, and my liver is enlarged. There are some problems and the liver issue could be major - it's time to make some drastic changes in my life. It's time to address my eating habits. It's time to move forward!

I'm Free! Again

This morning was such a breakthrough for me. I got up early this morning to spend time in prayer. I've been dealing a lot lately with stuff from my past. Some times we think we've overcome something, just to have it end up right back in our face. I think we get so used to living with certain problems that we learn to cover them up and appear that things are OK. Until it resurfaces. God won't allow us to continue fooling ourselves - He desires that we be set totally free. This happened to me recently. I was abused as a child and had a lot of mistrust, anger, bitterness, etc. because of my past. Over the years I have worked very hard to move past those things and put them behind me. I no longer live in the fear or shyness that I used to - God has brought me so far that I thought I was over the abuse. But recently, I saw a picture on the internet of my abuser - and a lot of feelings came up that I thought I was over.

So, this morning in prayer I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. And I forgave the man who did this. And then I forgave my mom. That was my breakthrough - realizing that I blame her for a lot and realizing that she has her own stuff that makes her the way she is. I have to let go of my pain so that I can walk in freedom. I feel better than I have felt in several weeks. I feel free again. I have realized that we never truly "overcome" our past - it will always be a part of who I am. Instead of trying to remove it, I can realize that I will always be a woman who was abused as a child, however, I don't have to live with the effects of that abuse. I can use my past to help others and choose to let go of the hurts, etc.

So I an free - again. Or atleast until God brings something else to the surface for me to confront.

A Dream Came True

I am amazed it has been this long since I've written. Where does time go?? Anyway, I just have to brag on my hubby - he absolutely blew me away this time. Our anniversary is in August and about 2 weeks before, he told me not to plan anything because he wanted to plan the date this time. That in itself is amazing, seeing as how he's only planned one anniversary out of the 14 we've had! Actually, I was relieved because I've been so busy that I had already decided I wasn't planning anything special this year - just dinner and a really cool gift. Well, I met him after work and we went to Clearwater Beach. I thought he was taking me to Palm Pavillion, a restaurant we both like that sits right on the beach, but then we turned and started walking down where the boats are. We were looking at the different tour boats when we walked by this huge yacht. I stated that I'd never seen a boat that big, and he replied, "What about the boat we're going on tonight?" In front of us was an even bigger boat (or maybe it's a ship - I don't know) The Starlight Majesty! My incredibly sweet sexy husband made reservations for a dinner/dancing cruise at sunset. OK, so that in my book was perfect! But then, when we boarded, he had also gotten the anniversary package - roses, champagne, balloon, and our names announced! The entire night was incredible. I LOVE HIM!!!! (No, we did not drink the champagne - not that I think drinking is absolutely forbidden - but that is another blog.

Dealing with Change

OK, Finally I am settling in and getting my wits about me. For awhile I felt like I was in limbo; accomplishing nothing and going no where, but hopefully that is slowly changing. A few months ago, my husband felt that God was calling him to a certain church. I had no desire to even visit the church, but knew that I needed to respect the Spirit of God in my husband. Over time, God confirmed to me that we were indeed being called to this church and that it would allow me to leave my job and go into full time ministry. This has been the desire of my heart for a long time. A house was provided by the church, but I was in for quite a suprise - the house is the smallest house I've ever seen! It can't be more than 600 square feet total! And we have a teenager, a dog, and a ministry that we run from home! If it hadn't been for knowing that I knew that I knew that God wanted us to take this step; I never would have gone. Change is hard even when it's God's will. For the last couple months, we have been dealing with change; leaving old friends, changing jobs, moving, sorting, packing. We have had to let go of many of our things, and there are still things to go through. A huge yard sale should help ease some of the space issues!

It was also difficult finding my place at church. The first time I went to the Senior Pastor and asked what he wanted me to do, he told me to grow our ministry and step into my calling. What?! Thank you Jesus for freedom, but I really wanted a LITTLE direction and accountability! Anyway, things are going well, my husband and I have started a youth group, we're developing in-church ministries, I'm leading intercessory prayer, and possibly taking over a weekly women's Bible study. I LOVE MINISTRY! Here's the only problem - I started a new job. Why do I fear letting go? I know God told me to go full time, but I keep thinking I'll just work a few months to pay off some bills and then . . . yada yada yada. I'm doing books for a large ministry and the pay is good so it was hard to say no, but there is so much I need to be doing for our ministry. OK, as a write I'm so convicted, but I've already committed to this new job so now what? Why do I always do this to myself? I dream of writing books, building a drama team, and producing seminars and conferences and God has provided a way for me to not HAVE to work, yet I find it so hard to let go. Do I not trust God to take care of me? Father, give me the faith to step out.

Freedom is Gooood

Wow! I just read my last blog. How freeing the raw hard truth can be. My struggles are still the same, but I desire to face them, or atleast never stop trying. I have shared some of my hardest struggles with my Pastor and my intercessors group and another class that I'm involved in. Even though I still fail, having other people who pray for me (and question me) keeps my resolve fresh. I won't give up, I can never give up - it would mean settling for less than God has promised me. I have however decided to stop being so hard on myself. I get completely focused on the things that need changing and then I forget all that He's already done. God has freed me from drug addiction, alcoholism, cigarettes, promiscuity, abusive anger, and extreme fear - surely this is not to difficult for Him. I am choosing to continue to pray and try, but also to enjoy all that is right in my life; to look at all the positive - after all there was a time in my life when I could find nothing good abnd look at me now! I'm free, free, free! And getting freer everyday.

The Truth

I've been gone for awhile going through transition, but that will be for another time. Right now I must get this out. I struggle. I truly struggle. I am addicted to sugar and I want to be free. I use sugar the way a crack head uses cocaine and I hate it. It's not just a bad habit or even an addiction, but it's idolatry and gluttony and immense guilt to always live with this. It bothers my husband and it bothers me. I've thought of getting really real and sharing my daily battle as I confront this monster and perhaps I will, but here is my first major confrontation. For the past week, I have been trying to eat healthy. Well, today something happened and I realize why I eat. I thought that I had dealt with all my issues and that my eating had really just become a bad habit to be broken - no reasons for it, but now I know that that is not true. I eat to bury who I am. I eat because the issues underneath are so disgusting that even I can not bear to look at them. I feel like I am a dirty evil person that should never be allowed out - and so I remain - trapped under pounds of fat. My shame sends me running to food rather than God. How can I face God when I've failed miserably? Food comforts and helps me forget. As long as people think food is my problem, I'm OK. AS LONG AS I THINK food is my problem, I'm OK. The desire to be set free from ALL that holds me back grows stronger all the time, but how can I face who I am inside? How can I ever confront the monster that lurks beneath the fat facade? How can I ever admit who I really am? If I don't confront my weight, my marriage may end or I may die, but if I confront my weight, there are worse things waiting to rear their ugliness.

God, help me please. I don't know how you can possibly believe in me at times like this or why you would desire to help me, but your Word says you do. And I need you desparately. I do not understand why you would call me into ministry, but my heart cries out for freedom to walk in destiny.

Live Out Loud

I took a week of from work to spend some time focusing on ministry and the vision that God has given me. I feel like I haven't accomplished much, but yet I have clarity and peace that I haven't had in a long time. Again, God is taking us in a direction I never expected, but I don't remember God ever promising to do it my way. I don't know why I even bother to dream and plan for our ministry, because it's never done the way I think it will be done. I love watching Him open doors and make a way. He doesn't only open doors that look impossible to open, He opens doors you didn't even know were there! I love Jehovah! He is wonderful, incredible, magnificent! He takes care of us and even though I never would have picked this journey, I know He's going to protect us and grow us and bring us farther than we knew we could go. My normal attitude is to worry and look at the natural, but this morning I had an honest conversation with Jesus and His response was always a question. "Are you suppose to worry? Can you change anything through worry? Are you willing to give up everything for Me?" And the clincher - "Do you trust Me?" Yes I do! And I have decided to take chances and take the plunge! Has God EVER let me down? NO! Live large people! You've got one life. As the song says; La-La-La-La Live Out Loud!

Refreshed, relaxed, and rushed

I did something I've never done before. Even though we have tons of things going on right now, I let everything go and in 1 day planned a mini vacation for my family. We just came back from a few days in the Keys. I actually think we live in paradise - at least we HAVE beaches! However, sometimes you just have to get away. My family needed it - 3 days to ourselves and with each other - being tourists. We saw sights, climbed a lighthouse, toured Hemingway's mansion, went wave running, and had a blast at the sunset something. I forget what they call it, but there are several street performers and merchants and it's just great fun. I also got seasick for the first time ever. We rented a wonderful little condo with an ocean view - it was great. I feel so much closer to my family and rested - even though there's always so much to do. We've already started saving for the next trip!

Can I slow down?

Wow. Time just flies faster and faster. All my good intentions for January are still waiting for me to catch up. I had all these visions of slowing down, focusing on my time with God, really getting intimate. But everyday flies by and I find myself crawling into bed and realizing that I again did not accomplish what I set out to do. I have a speaking engagement Saturday, an outreach Monday, a board meeting Tuesday, yada, yada, yada. I'm not complaining, I love everything I do in ministry. I just an yearning for more alone time with the Lord. Right now, with working part time, running a ministry, homeschooling a child, and managing a home I constantly find myself letting go of things I wish I could do. Oh well, I refuse to give up! I will not stop! I will become a time management wiz! I'd better get busy . . . .

Desperate for Him

OK, this is my very first blog (except for a few on myspace). I love writing so I'm excited about a new venue in which to let loose. All this came about as I was praying this morning and wishing there was a way to share my feelings with others. So here goes.

I am so desperate to fulfill my destiny. I feel like time moves so quickly and what if I miss it? What if I never accomplish what I'm called to accomplish. My prayer everyday is that I would be consumed with love for God, that I would have boldness to proclaim His word, and that I could overcome my weeknesses. Yet everyday I slip, everyday I do something I don't want to do, everyday I feel like I disappoint Him in some way. I feel like ministers should be so much more together than I am. I want to run the race with all I've got, yet I keep letting everyday life get in the way. I am determined not to give up. Thank God for mercies that are new every morning! Maybe tomorrow I'll get it right. . .