Joy & Sadness

Still doing great! I am very much in love with God and desiring to go farther. I just need to spend more time in study now. My husband & I are under such a strong attack right now. It seems like the people who are the most against us are those who should actually have our back. I am so grateful for close friends that I can share my heart with. I am thankful that they can see truth and I have not totally lost it. It hurts to have people you work with stab you in the back, but then they crucified Christ, right? The Bible tells us to love each other, lift one another up, and with humility bring correction. We are not suppose to base our actions or our words on jealousy, anger, or opinions. The church should not look so much like the world. Yet I would not leave the Church for anything. I am so much better because of Jesus, regardless of how people behave. My prayer is simply this: "Teach me to love the way You love, Lord. Give me wisdom to discern right from wrong. Help me to never hurt another person the way I am hurting right now. Amen"

Freedom! (& deliverance)

God is absolutely amazing! I am more in love with Him than I have ever been. I have to start blogging again because I just can't even find enough ways to express the joy I have. I've never known the joy of the Lord like this before. It truly is my strength. I am free. No worries, no fear, no anger. WOW! I went through a deliverance 5 days ago. I know, I know, very controversial. I'm so tired of hearing all the different opinions on deliverance. Honestly, I can't find proof for or against in the Bible. All I can say is this: if everything said and done in that room was done to glorify Jesus and His name and I have been set free - then I really don't care who thinks it's real or not real. If that's where God had to take me (or let me go) and now I can see fruit and He gets the glory? That's all I need!

The fruit: He is on my mind all the time now. I've been able to do things I used to be afraid of (ignore bugs, etc). My eating habits have completely gone from insane to healthy - I can actually resist the temptation to keep eating. I care what I look like - use to leave the house not caring how I represented (no makeup, old clothes). I'm HAPPY. I want to worship. I WANT to care for my husband and child - used to get mad everytime I cleaned up after them. My husband looks at me different. For the first time in my life I feel equipped to walk in destiny. Not that I can suddenly do it, but that I believe in the call on my life now and feel able to be trusted with such a call.

All the junk in my life is still there - work, pressure, opposition - but I am different. And I thank Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of the Living God for changing my life.

I'm running behind.

I realized yesterday that I'm actually on day 8 now. I guess that's what happens when you don't stay consistent! Day 6 took me several days to complete because it required time and I'm not so good with that. Before this, the dares have been simple tasks that require very little effort - or they're fun and you don't mind doing them (like shopping)!! But day 6 requires you to sit down and think, take a look at yourself, and write some stuff down. I was more than willing to do that, it was just making the time to complete the task that was my problem. I don't have an issue with looking at my faults and weaknesses - I reached the point a long time ago of wanting change, fun, and contentment over hiding and avoidance. I admit I need work - so I spent some time going over where I need to adjust my schedule - still not sure how I'm going to do that - and looking at how I react to certain situations and what that means. I discovered there are still some character defects in my life that I would rather not have. I still have some pride and selfishness that needs to be released. The awesome thing is - God loves me so much, He won't let me stay this way.

That's my prayer today. That the Holy Spirit continue to search my heart - and remove any bitterness, hurt, pride, fear (and so on) that still remains. Bring to my attention when I'm about to say or do something for the wrong reasons. Help me to be a better example of who you've taught me to be. In Jesus' Name. Amen

Day 2

Today was hard for me. It wasn't bad - just hard. The thing I was suppose to do today was harder for me because it's something I do often and is rarely noticed - it's not something my hubby pays much attention to. So I had to really think about how to accomplish this dare in a way that he would notice. I made one attempt, but he didn't understand what I was doing. (PLEASE - buy the book so you know what I'm talking about!) I have one idea left - I'm not done yet! I have realized though that there are somethings that I will need to do knowing that I do them out of love and knowing that God sees and He will reward - and realizing that some of those things will pass right over my honey's head.

Still working on not saying anything negative. Why is it so easy to see everything wrong and harder to find all those things that are right. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot good about my marriage and my man - he has grown and improved more than any man I've ever known. I just find that turning from a negative person to a positive person is something I'm finding difficult.

As I said last night, I'm excited to see all that God is revealing to me ABOUT ME.

Total Failure

OK, so much for this plan of mine. I actually started this book a few days ago and did quite well the first day, but I totally blew it today. I found it so hard to not be negative to my spouse. OK, I can't tell you the assignment every day because it's only fair that you buy the book, but the 1st day is to not say anything negative. I blew that one majorly today. In fact we ended up in a huge arguement and now I'm shaking trying to type this. (Yes, even Pastors have fights!) I thought I would start fresh tomorrow, but it's hard when you're hurting to be willing to love first. I know God is taking me to that place - to learn to put away selfishness and learn real love. I want that, but it is hard to move past the selfishness. I want to pull away and close off until he realizes how much his behavior hurts me. I've made a real effort and it hurts when he makes it clear that my effort is meaningless. I think what bothers me the most is that we are having problems communicating and while we both are trying to meet the others needs - the other one just doesn't see it. If we could just understand each other. I know things will not change over night and honestly, things are usually not that bad here. I love my husband, but sometimes I feel like I can never please him so why even try. Funny thing is, I know he feels the exact same way about me. Hmmmm .. .. ..

So maybe I can try to say nothing negative all day tomorrow and still be closed off because I'm hurting and I don't know how to express just how much I'm hurting.

Mr. Perfect

My husband was so awesome tonight I just have to brag. I'm not sure if I'm bragging more on him or God - both I guess. So often, my honey comes home from work and he's done. He works really hard during the day and comes home drained and he does nothing else unless I ask (or sometimes nag!) him. I know that this is the norm for most men and so I don't complain most of the time anymore, but I've really been thinking since my bout at the hospital. If we are ever going to reach where God is asking us to go, it will take more than the usual 9-5 work day. It will mean doing extra work in the evenings and pulling together and paying a price to go further. I tend to do this more often than my husband; I'm gone several nights a week doing ministry work. Monday nights I teach a women's Bible Study and then lead intercessory prayer. I am literally out of the house from 7 a.m. until 8:30 p.m. This is the perfect time for my husband to watch TV, relax, basically do nothing and not be bothered. Well, todahe worked, we had great conversation on the way home, then he did some laundry, played a game with our daughter, picked up dinner, helped clean up, and is now studying the Pentacostal Pastor book! He's awesome! I love these brief moments that I get a glimpse into his potential. He's making an effort and that makes all the difference in the world to me. Lord, just help me enjoy days like this - and may there be many more.

A Dream Came True

I am amazed it has been this long since I've written. Where does time go?? Anyway, I just have to brag on my hubby - he absolutely blew me away this time. Our anniversary is in August and about 2 weeks before, he told me not to plan anything because he wanted to plan the date this time. That in itself is amazing, seeing as how he's only planned one anniversary out of the 14 we've had! Actually, I was relieved because I've been so busy that I had already decided I wasn't planning anything special this year - just dinner and a really cool gift. Well, I met him after work and we went to Clearwater Beach. I thought he was taking me to Palm Pavillion, a restaurant we both like that sits right on the beach, but then we turned and started walking down where the boats are. We were looking at the different tour boats when we walked by this huge yacht. I stated that I'd never seen a boat that big, and he replied, "What about the boat we're going on tonight?" In front of us was an even bigger boat (or maybe it's a ship - I don't know) The Starlight Majesty! My incredibly sweet sexy husband made reservations for a dinner/dancing cruise at sunset. OK, so that in my book was perfect! But then, when we boarded, he had also gotten the anniversary package - roses, champagne, balloon, and our names announced! The entire night was incredible. I LOVE HIM!!!! (No, we did not drink the champagne - not that I think drinking is absolutely forbidden - but that is another blog.

Refreshed, relaxed, and rushed

I did something I've never done before. Even though we have tons of things going on right now, I let everything go and in 1 day planned a mini vacation for my family. We just came back from a few days in the Keys. I actually think we live in paradise - at least we HAVE beaches! However, sometimes you just have to get away. My family needed it - 3 days to ourselves and with each other - being tourists. We saw sights, climbed a lighthouse, toured Hemingway's mansion, went wave running, and had a blast at the sunset something. I forget what they call it, but there are several street performers and merchants and it's just great fun. I also got seasick for the first time ever. We rented a wonderful little condo with an ocean view - it was great. I feel so much closer to my family and rested - even though there's always so much to do. We've already started saving for the next trip!