June 3rd was the last time I wrote. I had no idea at that time that my world was about to crash down around me. I had no idea that what I wrote about I would soon be experiencing. The last 2 months have been one of the most painful times of my life. On June 8th my husband told me we were seperating. He said he didn't feel anything for me anymore and saw no hope for our marriage. A lot has happened since then, but I refuse to glorify Satan by spouting out details. 4 weeks ago, my husband stepped down from ministry, told our clients he was leaving, and moved away.
I have been up and down during this time. I have been sad, angry, bitter, jealous, confused, hurt, betrayed. What else can I say? Every day seems to be a mixture of emotions. Although many people have told me to give up and move on; I have felt God telling me to stand.
There has been good to. I have sought God earnestly and He has shown me where I was at fault. I did not appreciate the man that God had given me. I had become a very selfish, judgemental person. I have had to admit my faults and ask for forgiveness. God is faithful. I have searched scriptures to learn what a godly woman is supposed to be. I have a new desire to honor God and my husband by becoming the woman I am called to be. I have believed for my husband to come home. I have prayed for him to desire to serve God completely.
Today, I hit my bottom. It all just seems like to much for one person to handle. I have been put in a place I don't want to be. I am now the Director/Pastor of the ministry, President of the corporation, head of my family, all while trying to deal with my own hurting heart. I have not heard from Jody in about a week. Tonight I lost it. I wept and wept and wept. I have cried every day for over 2 months now. Tonight I cried out to God and pleaded with Him to give me something to hang on to or heal my heart and set me free. Even though I have never felt a release to give up, I really didn't expect a response from God either. Part of me wanted Him to say be free. Part of me wanted Him to numb the pain so I don't have to go through another day feeling empty and broken.
After 30 minutes of pleading and weeping, I got up and apologized to God that I have been given several scriptures to stand on, yet once again feel such total despair. I turned on Christian TV and scanned the channels looking for a speaker to listen to. I skipped over one particular person that I had no desire to listen to. Not finding anything, I went back through and skipped that speaker again. The third time through I felt that there simply wasn't anything worthwhile on and put the one speaker on that I did not want to listen to. He said, "Lord I believe." His message was on BELIEVE. Stop the self-pity and believe. Activate God through belief. It doesn't matter how big the problem is and how desperate it looks - God is working behind the scenes and he will resurrect the dead relationship. The whole message was for me. I wept somemore, took lots of notes, and thanked God that even though I did not believe, He answered my prayer within minutes.
My husband IS coming home. Better than when he left. He may have different plans in his heart, but God directs his steps. I am more determined to pray for him. Pray that he find no peace or comfort or acceptance in the world. Pray that the Holy Spirit continue to convict him. Pray that God do whatever needs to be done to bring restoration first to Him, then to the family.
Lord, I believe.
