Lord I Believe

June 3rd was the last time I wrote. I had no idea at that time that my world was about to crash down around me. I had no idea that what I wrote about I would soon be experiencing. The last 2 months have been one of the most painful times of my life. On June 8th my husband told me we were seperating. He said he didn't feel anything for me anymore and saw no hope for our marriage. A lot has happened since then, but I refuse to glorify Satan by spouting out details. 4 weeks ago, my husband stepped down from ministry, told our clients he was leaving, and moved away.

I have been up and down during this time. I have been sad, angry, bitter, jealous, confused, hurt, betrayed. What else can I say? Every day seems to be a mixture of emotions. Although many people have told me to give up and move on; I have felt God telling me to stand.

There has been good to. I have sought God earnestly and He has shown me where I was at fault. I did not appreciate the man that God had given me. I had become a very selfish, judgemental person. I have had to admit my faults and ask for forgiveness. God is faithful. I have searched scriptures to learn what a godly woman is supposed to be. I have a new desire to honor God and my husband by becoming the woman I am called to be. I have believed for my husband to come home. I have prayed for him to desire to serve God completely.

Today, I hit my bottom. It all just seems like to much for one person to handle. I have been put in a place I don't want to be. I am now the Director/Pastor of the ministry, President of the corporation, head of my family, all while trying to deal with my own hurting heart. I have not heard from Jody in about a week. Tonight I lost it. I wept and wept and wept. I have cried every day for over 2 months now. Tonight I cried out to God and pleaded with Him to give me something to hang on to or heal my heart and set me free. Even though I have never felt a release to give up, I really didn't expect a response from God either. Part of me wanted Him to say be free. Part of me wanted Him to numb the pain so I don't have to go through another day feeling empty and broken.

After 30 minutes of pleading and weeping, I got up and apologized to God that I have been given several scriptures to stand on, yet once again feel such total despair. I turned on Christian TV and scanned the channels looking for a speaker to listen to. I skipped over one particular person that I had no desire to listen to. Not finding anything, I went back through and skipped that speaker again. The third time through I felt that there simply wasn't anything worthwhile on and put the one speaker on that I did not want to listen to. He said, "Lord I believe." His message was on BELIEVE. Stop the self-pity and believe. Activate God through belief. It doesn't matter how big the problem is and how desperate it looks - God is working behind the scenes and he will resurrect the dead relationship. The whole message was for me. I wept somemore, took lots of notes, and thanked God that even though I did not believe, He answered my prayer within minutes.

My husband IS coming home. Better than when he left. He may have different plans in his heart, but God directs his steps. I am more determined to pray for him. Pray that he find no peace or comfort or acceptance in the world. Pray that the Holy Spirit continue to convict him. Pray that God do whatever needs to be done to bring restoration first to Him, then to the family.

Lord, I believe.

Heart Break and Awakening

My heart is grieving today for people that I seem helpless to help. Being in ministry hurts sometimes. People let you down or turn against you, but what really hurts me is pouring into people and then watching them walk right back to the enemies side worse than ever. I find myself wondering, did we fail them somehow? Is there something more we should have done? I also find myself wanting to respond to them. It seems to me so obvious that what they are doing is wrong, surely I can convince them that they are not in God's will. But I also feel like I am not suppose to respond. A couple I care about very much has split up. A couple that shared they felt called to be Pastors. Her husband has walked out on her and her children. He is now with one of our clients which means both of them have sat under our ministry. Both of them expressed love for God and a desire to serve Him. And now both of them are praising God for bringing them each other???????? My heart breaks. Breaks for people I care about very much. Breaks for 2 young children who now are being raised without a father. Breaks for my husband who is feeling the betrayal of losing a close friend. But more than anything, my heart breaks that these things are being done in the name of God.

How can people have any knowledge of God and think that breaking up a family and having an affair is God's will? This is so absurd to me that I want to reach out, want to explain how this is wrong in so many ways. Yet we have been slammed already. By standing by the wife in this situation and expressing that we do not agree, we are now in the crossfire. Now we are hearing all the garbage being said about us. That doesn't really bother me. I don't care if someone thinks I shouldn't be in ministry. I often think I shouldn't be in ministry. After all, I am in ministry because God called me here - not because I deserve it somehow. So that I can deal with. However, there is still something in me that wants to defend myself, but I learned a long time ago not to argue with the enemy. Its a waste of time and energy. God will take care of it.

It's the deception that bothers me. It's knowing where this will end up and how even more people will be hurt. I feel like I should be able to convince them of their wrong and end this. Yet I have learned that there is a deception so deep that it can even twist the word of God. Paul said turn them over to Satan so that's what I will do. I will let them go and pray that God deals swiftly. Pray that children are protected and hearts are healed. Pray that their eyes will be open and their hearts restored.

If anyone out there is reading this, let me encourage you PLEASE to stay in the Word. And examine where your thoughts are. The Bible says sin begins with a thought - that we dwell on - and eventually act on. Where have your thoughts been? Are they on Godly things? Are they on what you don't have, how you're mistreated, how much more you deserve? Examine your thoughts and get rid of those that do not line up with God. Before they grow into actions and become sin. I've seen it too many times now. I've seen it happen to Christian people. If you entertain the thoughts long enough, Satan will make sure you have an opportunity to act upon your desires. If you are not strong enough to resist, you could fall as well. And once deception sets in it seems that people find it difficult to even recognize truth any longer. So please - examine where you are. Check your thoughts. Let's serve God instead of self while we are here.

Count it all joy

I taught Bible Study today. It was the first time since before Christmas that I taught/preached. I know I'm supposed to, but it's easy to make excuses and keep putting things off. For several weeks now, God has had me reading James. Not just reading, but really focused. Finally, I paid attention and realized I was supposed to be teaching the book of James. I called my hubby right away and told him I needed to commit to teach one day a week. Then I didn't mention it again so it was put off a few more weeks. Finally, last night he asked me to teach this morning. So I did. I Almost cancelled this morning. Said I wasn't ready and Jody offered to teach the class, but I knew I had to obey. So I committed to teach what i had - however short that might be. We talked for an hour on the first 8 verses. There is so much that I feel God saying and we literally tore apart the verses. Talked about the author, the time frame, the recipients, key words, application, etc. I love how the Word comes alive. "count it all joy when you face trials" I think that's in verse 2. Have a positive outlook. It doesn't mean you have to fake happiness when your struggling. It means stay positive. Know God is going to bring you through it. And He's going to bring good out of it. Stay focused. Don't give up, He has never failed you before and He is not about to start. Every trial you go through makes you stronger, better equipped to hang tight. How exciting! And God will put thongs in your path when you least expect them to help you get where you need to be.

I have struggled with my exercise routines since moving to Arizona. Back in Florida I was a member of the YMCA and I would go with a close friend until I was comfortable going on my own. I actually had that membership for a year and had never stepped foot in the building until this friend agreed to go with me! Honestly, the y was mostly seniors and somewhat out of shape people so I didn't mind going. We had looked into it here, but I wasn't impressed with the one we visited, so again, I kept putting it off. 2 weeks ago I found a deal on a 2 month family membership at a local fitness club for $20. So i bought it. (thank you Jesus, thank you Groupon!)I had until October to use it so I convinced myself that between now and then I
would take that step. And if I didn't, at least it was only $20. For the last 2 weeks I have beaten myself up for wasting the money - knowing full well I will never step foot into a "tennis, racquetball, and swim club." especially one in upper class Scottsdale.

I have every excuse. I'm waiting for my husband to join me. I need to get back on track first. Blah, blah, blah. Yesterday I decided to just go sign up. At least then my daughter might get some use out of the 2 months. My hubby went with me and we got our cards. Of course there was not one out of shape person in the whole place. But i noticed it was quiet during the day and I began to think just maybe I cow.d do this. Then I taught today. I taught that trials bring perseverance and steadfastness. I taught to have a positive outlook even in tough times. I taught to stay focused, embrace the hardships, and never give up. And then I went to the gym. By myself. Alone. And I went in. I climbed back on the elliptical for the first time in 8 months. It wasn't as quiet as I expected. The Phoenix fire department works out there, but I did not run away. I persevered. My right foot cramped horribly and both feet felt numb on the bottom but I completed over 3000 strokes in 30 minutes. And then I completed a full circuit of leg exercises. The best part? Half way through my hubby showed up and rode a bike for awhile. It felt good having him there, but I proved that I don't have to wait for him to do what I need to do for me. Today I persevered. I faced my trial. And I grew because of it.

Thanks James.

Whose Report will You Believe?

Time for another bought of total honesty. It seems so many of my postings are my intense struggles and I begin to wonder if I'm ever going to actually overcome and have something nice to say. So I vowed to start focusing on the positive. I tell people in my class that we process information through fear or through faith. We either look at something and base our decisions, opinions, actions, etc on what God says about it (FAITH), or we use our past (hurts, betrayals, spoken words, etc) to look at something and base our decisions, actions, etc (FEAR). I have noticed that I tend to be very negative and process through the past. I don't want to do that anymore. So I am working on changing my thought patterns. I'm trying to convince myself that even though God sees the same failures in my life that I see, He sees them differently. He doesn't look and condemn - instead he sees the potential in my life. He looks at my faults and says "though your sin be as scarlet, I can make you white as snow." (OK, that's the Terri Hall paraphrase, but it's close - google it, it's one of the major prophets; I think.) He looks at my faults and says, "My grace is sufficient for thee." I've got to start realizing that God isn't anywhere near as hard on me as I am. It's the enemy that wants to see us backed in a corner, giving up, warped in self condemnation.




Sometimes I think it's even harder in ministry, because you have plenty of people who will come along side of you and agree with every fault you can find. THey will even point out many more that you weren't aware of! It's imperative that we know who we are in God in order to overcome these times in our lives. So, that's what I've been thinking about lately. And the last 2 days I've been doing a lot of soul searching, prayer, and writing. I'm ready to make some changes. I'm ready to put some things into action. I will be writing later on the Satisfied blog so check it out if you don't read it already. I think what I've been dealing with the last couple days will help others to. http://www.imsatisfied.blogspot.com/ See you there!
 
As the old song says; "Whose report will you believe? We will believe the report of the Lord!"

Where I'm at Today.

Today I sat down to read my Bible and I briefly asked God to give me understanding of His word. Usually I read through the Bible, starting at the beginning and simply moving forward, but today I felt God wanted me to read James. As I turned there I asked Him to help me focus, not just read because I should read, but to really get something out of His word. As I read the first chapter in the book of James, the last verse made a serious impact.

" Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world." James 1:27

This one simple verse had a double impact on me today. First, I had to examine my life recently and ask myself honestly, "Am I caring for orphans and widows?" Jody & I founded Aiming High Ministries on outreach. Our heart was outreach.We took food to the homeless, collected clothes for needy children, served in the Katrina recovery, put together Christmas events for families, and ran a food pantry out of our dining room just because we wanted to make a difference. There's an amazing feeling that comes with serving others. But somewhere along the way, our paths seem to have narrowed. Now most of my time is spent at a desk - budgeting, writing letters, fundraising, developing programs. Sure, I believe we are still involved in outreach. Afterall, we run a recovery program and most people come in poor, lost, and needing different avenues of help. But I realized this morning that we're not OUT anymore. People come to us, we're not going to them.

I'm not being judgemental on us. We've only been here 5 months and the huge undertaking of aquiring a recovery center has taken most of our time and attention. But I believe God responded to my prayer because it's time add community outreach back into what we do as ministers. Praying that God will now guide us into what He desires for us to do. And I know He will.

Second, pure religion is to be unspotted from the world. Hmmmm. I've always heard the religion that pleases God is to care for the widows. I think most people tend to leave the second half of this verse off. (Or I've chosen to ignore that part!) God expects us to refrain from the ways of the world as much as He expects us to feed the poor.  Being set apart is important. Very important. This verse has become the cry of my heart: give me the boldness and desire to reach out to others, and the strength to live a life of holiness. I desire to overcome the things of this world so that I might be an example of Christ's power in the lives of others. Today was a great start.