11 Days Later!

I had no idea it had been 11 days since I wrote! How does time go by so fast? I have not done well with my "Love Dare" challenge. After writing the last time, I got stuck on the next one - doing something they needed done (basically). that was tough and it took me a couple days to find something - then last week my husband got very sick and I taught his class for him. Then I moved the book and totally forgot that I was doing this. Occassionally I would remember, but wouldn't have the book near me so I've been on vacation for the past week. Hopefully I can jump back in now. My book is safely back in my bedroom and in reach to be read on a daily basis.

It's been quite a week. One of the ministries we work with is very likely closing down. We have both been laid off with no notice. I know that our needs are met and God will take care of us, but I also know it's so close to Christmas and we have other bills that we will not be able to pay without a mighty move of God. The awesome things in all this - we serve a MIGHTY God. 'Nite!

Love in laundry

Yesterday I needed to do something "just because" - for no reason other than the fact that I choose to love him. I do "just because" things a lot because that's my love language - random acts of service. I feel more love coming home to washed dishes than a dozen roses. (I know, there may be something wrong there!) It's just who I am. For me, an act of kindness (or service) says that he thought about me, thought about how he could help me, and loved me enough to do something that he didn't have to do. Anyone can buy flowers - I want effort. Anyway, since I tend to do what speaks love to me already, I had to think of something that would really show I was doing this for no reason other than love. So, I did . . . are you ready . . . his laundry. Go ahead and laugh. I'm serious.

You have to understand that we are not a "typical" family. To get things done around our house in our limited time at home, we have to have assigned "Chores". Also, I am pretty picky about how I want things done, so I have to assign things that can be done correctly or I end up doing them over anyway. Also, when we moved this year, the laundry room is outside and not in the greatest condition. So I would rather stay away from the laundry room - which makes laundry the perfect job for my hubby! The bad side of this is that he has enough clothes to last a good 3 weeks where I need clothes washed weekly. So when things are really busy, I end up doing my own laundry on my work from home day. Well, we've been in one of those busy periods and my husband is about out of clothing - so I chose to do his laundry. I wanted to do something that would absolutely show my love - I think I picked it. I was able to get all of it washed, dried, and folded before he came home yesterday.

It took him a while to notice, but that's OK - it's not his love language and besides, it was done for love, not attention, RIGHT?

Day 9

While I recommend that anyone wanting to improve their marriage should do the Love Dare, I don't recommend doing it the way I do. Do NOT take a month to work through 1 week! I am being convicted that while I am doing a good thing, it is becoming obvious where my priorities lie. I love my family very much, but taking on this project is showing me how much I allow ministry, work, cleaning, etc to fill my days and thus it takes me a week sometimes to do one Dare. I am making a greater effort to do the dare each day. I believe the most important thing is that we keep going and not stop or give up, but I will work harder to do the devotions/dare more regularly.

The days are going well. I have had times of self revelation and honesty. I started Day 9 three days ago but don't feel that I've had the opportunity to really complete the task, so I'm focusing on Day 9 today. I have noticed over and over, that every time I make an effort to be pleasant or kind that it is never received negatively. I'm noticing that I can stop a lot of the dissension that we do have (not that we have very much) by refusing to respond in a negative way. Most of our disagreements are caused by one of us being defensive instead of understanding. I am grateful that we don't fight often, but I desire to stop the petty, needless stuff. There is so much more to living than always having to be right. I want to spend more time enjoying the incredible gift that God has given me in my family.

I'm running behind.

I realized yesterday that I'm actually on day 8 now. I guess that's what happens when you don't stay consistent! Day 6 took me several days to complete because it required time and I'm not so good with that. Before this, the dares have been simple tasks that require very little effort - or they're fun and you don't mind doing them (like shopping)!! But day 6 requires you to sit down and think, take a look at yourself, and write some stuff down. I was more than willing to do that, it was just making the time to complete the task that was my problem. I don't have an issue with looking at my faults and weaknesses - I reached the point a long time ago of wanting change, fun, and contentment over hiding and avoidance. I admit I need work - so I spent some time going over where I need to adjust my schedule - still not sure how I'm going to do that - and looking at how I react to certain situations and what that means. I discovered there are still some character defects in my life that I would rather not have. I still have some pride and selfishness that needs to be released. The awesome thing is - God loves me so much, He won't let me stay this way.

That's my prayer today. That the Holy Spirit continue to search my heart - and remove any bitterness, hurt, pride, fear (and so on) that still remains. Bring to my attention when I'm about to say or do something for the wrong reasons. Help me to be a better example of who you've taught me to be. In Jesus' Name. Amen

Day 5

Consistency is obviously a problem for me! It stuns me that another week has gone by. I'm still doing the Love Dare, but it seems to be going at my pace rather than daily. I did Day 5 about a week ago. It was easy for me - which shows me how I've grown over the years. I had to ask my husband what I do that he finds irritating - and stay calm and friendly while doing so! There was a time in my life when I would have been on edge waiting for his reply and then I would have had to defend myself once he answered. I love change! I was able to ask and hear his response. In fact, I already had a pretty good idea of what irritates him about me. Complete honesty - I do some of those things on purpose when I want to irritate him. (Yes, I admit it, I am a Pastor & a Pastor's wife and yet I sometimes push buttons and irritate my man on purpose!)

How do I irritate him?
1. When I take our child's side instead of his (in front of her). Actually, he said that doesn't just irritate him - it makes him flat out mad. I know, I know - never disagree in front of your child when it concerns your child - I'm working on it, believe me I'm working on it.
OK, I know this is a valid point and he's right on this issue so I need to work harder on supporting him (even when I disagree).
2. I probably should not admit this since I'm in ministry and there are lots of people who like to judge those in ministry, but I believe in being honest and real. God has asked me to strive and never give up - he knows I miss it sometimes. So, the second thing about me that irritates my husband is when I get really, really mad - sometimes I will curse. It really bothers him. It actually bothers me to. I don't like reaching that point. In the world, I had a horrible mouth for years and it took me quite a while to use bad language less and less often. Now when I reach the point of saying something I don't want to say - I have to go back to God and ask Him to examine my heart. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. If ungodly things come out of my mouth, then I believe there is an issue with my heart. Then I have to humble myself and apologize to God and my husband.
3. The last thing he said that irritates him is when I don't walk in my God given purpose. Sometimes he sees more potential in me then I can see in myself. He gets frustrated when I walk beneath my potential. That's actually really sweet.

So, I was blessed by this assignment. My honey has valid things that bother him. Things that I admit I need to work on. Again, I come away surprised at how much we've grown. I'm so greatful that we've come to a place in our relationship that we can have conversations like this without it starting a fight - and the responses are real - not the petty little things that use to drive us crazy about each other.

I have read Day 6 and unfortunately have kept putting it off - not because I don't want to do, but because it will require a little more insight and effort on my part. I hoping for Wednesday. While, I think it's important to do the Love Dare daily - it's worth doing period. Once you start, don't give up - even if you miss a few days.

Back on Track

I seem to be setting a pattern of every couple of days. Oh well, at least I keep going! Friday I was able to finally do day 3. It took me awhile to find something and it ended up just being something simple - OK, so I didn't put my all into, but it worked out OK. The main thing is, I accomplished another day.

Saturday I didn't do much. I kept forgetting to read to find out what the assignment was for day 4, but the day went well. I saw progress already on the other side! We went shopping today, and my husband but me a gift! He kept asking what I needed or wanted. It's hard for me sometimes to receive like that - I want him to know me well enough that he could buy me something without asking and it would just melt my heart! But I also have been around long enough to know that some men just aren't like that! (OK, most men!) Instead of being disappointed that it wasn't the way I wanted it, I decided to appreciate the effort and thought of something I would like that he could get for me. We both left the store happy. That's a good thing.

Today (Sunday) I did day 4. It was really pretty easy - just had to take 30 seconds of my time to accomplish today's dare. That was easy and I'm still working on not being negative. But get this - my honey is noticing something different - and I really haven't tried very hard. He said, "You're being really nice lately." I'm impressed. He noticed a change sooner than I expected. Please understand, I'm married to a great man - he's awesome - he's my friend and my strength. He just doesn't understand women much and we get so busy in ministry that we don't focus on each other like we should. That one comment from him today has got me wanting to try harder, put more effort into this, and believe that we may both be improved from this.

I encourage all of you - go do something nice for your spouse. Let him/her know they matter in your life. You never know what you might start.

So far, not so good

I forgot to write yesterday. Doesn't much matter because I wasn't able to do the dare. Day three is hard! (Do I say that a lot?) It's actually just hard to do much in "giving" for my husband. He just doesn't want anything. It's not that I don't give, I give a lot, but during this "dare" I want to give above normal. I want to give in a way that he will notice I must have thought about it. Otherwise, it will just blend in. I haven't let him know that I'm doing this book - I just want him to notice that something's different in me. But that takes thought! . . . I'll think about it tomorrow.

Something else I'm realizing - how easily we set each other aside for ministry. I worked a 12 hour day today and didn't think about the Love Dare once - until I was headed for bed. I'll try harder tomorrow. Night!

Day 2

Today was hard for me. It wasn't bad - just hard. The thing I was suppose to do today was harder for me because it's something I do often and is rarely noticed - it's not something my hubby pays much attention to. So I had to really think about how to accomplish this dare in a way that he would notice. I made one attempt, but he didn't understand what I was doing. (PLEASE - buy the book so you know what I'm talking about!) I have one idea left - I'm not done yet! I have realized though that there are somethings that I will need to do knowing that I do them out of love and knowing that God sees and He will reward - and realizing that some of those things will pass right over my honey's head.

Still working on not saying anything negative. Why is it so easy to see everything wrong and harder to find all those things that are right. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot good about my marriage and my man - he has grown and improved more than any man I've ever known. I just find that turning from a negative person to a positive person is something I'm finding difficult.

As I said last night, I'm excited to see all that God is revealing to me ABOUT ME.

Day 1 - Love Dare

Today was different. Sometimes when we think we know what we are doing, we find out that God has a totally different plan. After our argument last night, I really did not feel like starting the Love Dare today. However, I had determined to do this so I did. I did not begin with a desire to please my spouse or better our marriage - I simply did it because I feel it is something God is asking me to do. So I determined to say nothing negative to my spouse today. Sadly, neither of us obeyed God to "make up" instead of going to bed angry. It is not exactly easy to say nothing negative to someone you're upset with. So there were several times that I had to simply say nothing. Again not easy for me - I'm usually VERY outspoken about how I feel!

I figured that I knew exactly how to get through this - simply say very little and basically close off until I had the opportunity to express myself. However, my refusal to be negative meant no fuel to the fire, and this evening my husband came to me and apologized. And he even was able to tell me where he had been at fault!

I was awed at God. I didn't have to point out what he had done wrong. I didn't have to defend myself or be hurtful. I gave it to God and expected nothing, but He proved again that I don't know it all! This day also made me realize something else. In my pity party, I was talking with God and saying that I will just never be able to love my husband the way he needs (basically saying I'm not good enough so why try) - after all when I try my best he says I'm not even trying. I realized (actually God told me) that he will never love me like I need either - that his best efforts seem like nothing to me at times. I was able to understand how my husband feels because I've felt like that before, often I'm too busy focusing on his faults to notice that we both have the same struggle.

So Day 1 is over and I think I was able to refrain from negativity. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book. I know it will be hard, and I'm actually no longer doing this thinking it might make him love me more. Instead, I'm thinking this journey may change me.

Total Failure

OK, so much for this plan of mine. I actually started this book a few days ago and did quite well the first day, but I totally blew it today. I found it so hard to not be negative to my spouse. OK, I can't tell you the assignment every day because it's only fair that you buy the book, but the 1st day is to not say anything negative. I blew that one majorly today. In fact we ended up in a huge arguement and now I'm shaking trying to type this. (Yes, even Pastors have fights!) I thought I would start fresh tomorrow, but it's hard when you're hurting to be willing to love first. I know God is taking me to that place - to learn to put away selfishness and learn real love. I want that, but it is hard to move past the selfishness. I want to pull away and close off until he realizes how much his behavior hurts me. I've made a real effort and it hurts when he makes it clear that my effort is meaningless. I think what bothers me the most is that we are having problems communicating and while we both are trying to meet the others needs - the other one just doesn't see it. If we could just understand each other. I know things will not change over night and honestly, things are usually not that bad here. I love my husband, but sometimes I feel like I can never please him so why even try. Funny thing is, I know he feels the exact same way about me. Hmmmm .. .. ..

So maybe I can try to say nothing negative all day tomorrow and still be closed off because I'm hurting and I don't know how to express just how much I'm hurting.

The Love Dare

Where does time go? I'm amazed it's been that long since I've written. I've decided to do something that will hopefully help me get in the habit of blogging more regularly. Last week we took a group of couples to see "Fireproof" at the theatre. It was an excellent movie and I urge EVERYONE (married or not) to go see it. This week I bought the book that is mentioned in the movie. (You have to see the movie to truly understand what's about to happen here.) I have decided to take the challenge. I've also decided to blog about the experience - hopefully I'll get on here everyday and share what this challenge is like for me over the next 40 days. I have a feeling it may change me more than "him," but maybe that's OK. Why don't you take this challenge with me? Of course, you'll have to buy the book - it just wouldn't be right for me to tell you what you're suppose to do each day - but I believe it's a worthwhile investment into you relationships, your future, and yourself. I have already started and plan to be back later to share with you my first day experience.

Birthday thoughts

Today I'm turning 40 years old. I notice that I'm reflecting a lot today. This is an interesting day for me and I'm not really sure how to describe it. I'm excited and apprehensive. Disappointed and and yet hopeful. I'm having a hard time realizing that I am now in a totally different bracket. I'm starting my 40's. Now I have to check a different age group when I fill out questionnaires. I'm not really sure how to feel about this day since I really never expected this day to come. As a teenager, I always said I would be dead by the age of 32. (Yes even though I was an unsaved heathen, I believed Jesus would return and the earth would be destroyed in 2000.) I'm glad that the Lord did not hold me to that, but the thought of growing older than 32 had never entered my mind until it actually happened. Then suddenly, it seemed each year went faster and faster until here I am, facing "middle age." What exactly is middle age? My thought is that my life is half over, I've reached the middle. Isn't that depressing? Half way through my life (IF i live to be 80) and I don't really see anything major to show that I had a purpose for being here. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I have a purpose, it just feels like it's taking me way to long to reach my purpose. If life is half over, what do I have to show for 40 years on this earth? Ouch. That could get depressing real fast.

So let's not go there.

On the other hand, I am excited about the future. I realized that my 20's were pretty much wasted. They were my rebellious years. The 30's were my growing up years. Now I'm actually ready for destiny. (Well, we're never completely ready.) I've learned alot, grown a lot, and learned to trust God a LOT. I'm ready to go forward. I remember my Grandmother telling me that her 40's were her best years and I believe mine will be to. She felt her best, lived her best. I'm excited about what the next 10 years will have in store. While I never thought I'd reach this point; I'm still glad to be alive and loving Jesus.

Closer than you think

I had no idea it had been a month (or more) since I'd written. I don't know if anyone actually reads this, but I've been told the key to being read is consistency. I seem to struggle with this. I'm asking God to help me get my priorities straight. I think there are some major changes in my future.

I've just returned from our annual women's conference. It was absolutely incredible. God always amazes me. the first conference we did was so perfect, I couldn't imagine that we could ever do better. God can! He showed up in a way that you would not believe! It was incredible! We had ladies testifying throughout the conference to what God was doing. One woman said she had been trying to kill herself since she was a little girl and that God had just set her free of that desire, that for the first time in years, she wanted to live! A teenager came to the mic and admitted that she had hated her father for his drug abuse even though he'd gotten clean about 4 years ago. She said she was always afraid that he would leave her again, but that God had showed her that her daddy wasn't lying when he said he loved her and she wanted to confess her feelings and tell him she forgave him in front of everyone! HALLELUJAH!! It doesn't get any better than this. Just step aside and let God be God! I am more in love with Him than ever. It amazes me that He allows me to help in any way.

I am also once again filled and anointed and persuaded to enter in like never before. We are in a battle for our country and our future and it is time to be about the Lords business. If we don't stand up and make a stand, we are about to end up in a place we don't want to be. We have been allowing God to be removed while other Gods are brought in and the Bible is very clear about where a nation goes when they turn their back on the Lord. It's time to stop worrying about a bigger house and nicer car and start crying out for God to save our land. Before we reach the place where we are no longer allowed to cry out to God freely. It's closer than you think.

It's a Miracle!

2 days ago I witnessed a miracle. I've had miracles happen in my own life before and I think anything that we can't make happen on our own can be considered a miracle, but when you SEE it happen right in front of your eyes, it's absolutely amazing. There is something wrong with my car; it has to run above 25 miles an hour or it will overheat. don't ask me why - I have no idea. It's been that way for about 3 months now. I haven't had the money to get it fixed so I've learned not to go through fast food drive thru. (their not always that fast you know!) After over heating a couple of times and actually having the car shut off and refuse to start, I've learned to pay attention to the water temp gauge. The strange thing is, even if it has started to heat up, if I can get the car out of traffic and speed up, the temperature will drop in like 30 seconds! Who knows?? I'm just blessed to not have much rush hour traffic on my regular routes.

So anyway! My husband was asked to share his testimony Thursday night at a Worship & Prophecy Conference over in Tampa. (Last meeting tonight @ the Clarion hotel - 6:00, Fowler Ave.) so we head out about an hour early planning to grab dinner on the way. We hit rush hour traffic on the bridge into Tampa and the water gauge begins to rise. I think we're maybe half way across the bridge when the gauge hits red and we have to pull over or blow the engine. so we're parked on the side of the bridge in tons of traffic in the middle of the ocean (OK, the middle of the bay.) I was shocked how many people decide to drive down the side of the bridge to bypass waiting in traffic lanes - they weren't happy with us! My husbands getting concerned for our safety and says we have to make it off the bridge. After about 10 minutes, the temp has gone down half way and he says to go. Of course we've been praying the whole way. I pull back into traffic and the temp starts rising again. I had been asking for God to part the sea - move the cars, clear a path, miraculously make the path open before us. Nothing happens. We haven't gone very far before the temperature gauge is near the red again. I pray silently, "God, Please make this thermostat or whatever it is kick in and cool this car down. The next time I glance down the temperature has dropped slightly! As I continue in slow traffic, the gauge continues to fall. It dropped to below 1/2 way and stayed there the rest of the trip into Tampa! It was a miracle right before my very eyes. We had to skip dinner, but we made it to the conference during the first 5 minutes!

I know without a doubt it was a miracle. Last night we had another event in Tampa and had to pull over 3 times on the way there and ended up being almost an hour late! Yes, I know - it's time to get the car fixed! Isn't God good?!

Change, time, and prayer

My life is changing again. My husband left his job yesterday. It was a mutual agreement between him and his employer. It was time to go - I know it was, but it's still hard for me - not knowing how we're going to pay our bills and where our money will come from. However, there is also a peace inside me. A peace that somehow we are going to be OK. I have to admit there's even some excitement stirring inside. After all, this is a chance for God to takes us to another level, to show his faithfulness yet again and to increase my faith. I know that God has never let me down and He will lead us this time as well. I've heard stories of people starting in ministry and how God provided when there seemed to be no way. Lead us your way, Father, keep us on your path.

I am crazy busy with the conference stuff right now. For any who don't know, our annual women's conference is planned for March 7th. Visit www.aiminghighministries.com for more info. I've gotten everything out later than I would have liked, so I'm a little nervous about how the turnout will be, but I've done everything I could think of, the rest is up to God. It's in His hands now. I've got most of my stuff done and can move on for a couple of weeks, then it will be time to start sending out prayer lists, confirmations, making a program, putting together gifts, etc. And preparing the message - I have some ideas but it hasn't come completely together yet. Our first conference was amazing and I am so excited to see what God has in store for this event.

I've started reserving an hour on the days I don't work to have devotions with God. I read my Bible and read a devotion most mornings, but this is specifically to pray and go after God. It's been amazing. It was a little harder this morning because my family was home, but I broke through and it was an incredible time in His presence. My hubby played the keyboard for half the time and we just entered in. WOW. this isn't always an easy thing to do, and sometimes I'm done before the hours up, but I so desperately want to go to another level in my relationship with Him. I've decided to pay this price because I need Him, I need to know Him more intimately, hear Him clearer, walk in stronger anointing, and everything else that comes from time in God's presence.

And now I need to sleep!

Wii Would Like To Play

I am so tired. It's about 1:30 AM and I rarely stay up this late, but the whole family is still awake. All the vacation days have my schedule messed up and it's hard to get back into routine now. Since my family was gone for a week, I stayed up late every night. OK, I admit it, I get a little nervous about going to bed when I'm home alone. I fought through it and survived. I refused to show my fear (even though no one was there to notice). I still have to say I've come a long way seeing as how I was still locking my bedroom door, putting a chair in front of the door, hiding a knife under the mattress, AND sleeping with the covers over my head when I was in my 20's! (Did I mention that God has delivered me from MAJOR fear issues?) I've come a long way and it's all for the glory of God. I can say that truthfully because I hated life bound in fear and yet nothing I did helped. After I got saved, I just noticed small changes over time. Thank you Jesus!

We are up late for a specific reason tonight. The number one thing our daughter wanted for Christmas was a Wii. well, as most of you probably know, that was a very hard thing to find this year. My husband and I are not the kind of people to stand in long lines or battle mobs for toys so we had to make a decision - give her the next item on her list, or wait until after Christmas. We decided to wait til after Christmas, hoping the demand would go down some. I printed out a picture of the Wii and wrote "Gift Certificate, good for one Wii console and one game." Hubby & I both signed it, then I folded it as small as I could, wrapped it, taped it to the bottom of a large box, filled the box with plastic bags, and wrapped that box. It just happened to be the last item she picked to open Christmas day. I wasn't sure how she would take it - thought she might be disappointed not having something she could actually use. Well, she opened it and began to cry, which made me cry. That paper is now hanging on her bedroom wall. she said it meant so much because she knew there was no way she was getting one and had let the dream go.

Well, the other day I called wal-mart and found out that a truck was coming in at midnight January 06. The manager said there would probably be a line of people and I figured I wasn't going out that late anyway. And definitely wasn't going to stand in a line for several hours! Today I told our daughter that we could drive over around 11 and see if there was a line and go from there. They only had 4 Wii's and we were the first ones there. I am so thankful. god takes care of the details. Our daughter has her gift and we have video of her crying! Also, my husband turned 33 at 12:01 this morning so of course they are playing the new video games and will probably be up all night.

That's my story for tonight.

Happy New Year

Wow! 2008. 2008 will be great! I love the New Year. Every time, it just brings with it such a sense of excitement and anticipation for the upcoming months. Determination to change some things, overcome some things, step out for some things. And every New Year brings to promise that this year will be THE YEAR. No more failing on resolutions, giving up on dreams. It is my prayer that this year I have a deeper determination - not because it's the New Year, but because there are some things in my life that I really want to change - and some things that I really want to accomplish.

Not trying to bring anyone down - just being realistic. I'm not making plans and changes because today is January 1st. I'm making them because I know I'm not living at my potential and there is no excuse for that. I'm making them because I want to honor Jesus for all that He did for me. I'm making them because I've reached a point in my life where failure is simply not an option.

We have the power to change our lives - I truly believe that. No obstacle is impassible - we simply give up to soon. Let's agree to make 2008 the year we overcome.

God Bless You.