This morning was such a breakthrough for me. I got up early this morning to spend time in prayer. I've been dealing a lot lately with stuff from my past. Some times we think we've overcome something, just to have it end up right back in our face. I think we get so used to living with certain problems that we learn to cover them up and appear that things are OK. Until it resurfaces. God won't allow us to continue fooling ourselves - He desires that we be set totally free. This happened to me recently. I was abused as a child and had a lot of mistrust, anger, bitterness, etc. because of my past. Over the years I have worked very hard to move past those things and put them behind me. I no longer live in the fear or shyness that I used to - God has brought me so far that I thought I was over the abuse. But recently, I saw a picture on the internet of my abuser - and a lot of feelings came up that I thought I was over.
So, this morning in prayer I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. And I forgave the man who did this. And then I forgave my mom. That was my breakthrough - realizing that I blame her for a lot and realizing that she has her own stuff that makes her the way she is. I have to let go of my pain so that I can walk in freedom. I feel better than I have felt in several weeks. I feel free again. I have realized that we never truly "overcome" our past - it will always be a part of who I am. Instead of trying to remove it, I can realize that I will always be a woman who was abused as a child, however, I don't have to live with the effects of that abuse. I can use my past to help others and choose to let go of the hurts, etc.
So I an free - again. Or atleast until God brings something else to the surface for me to confront.
1 comment:
Thanks for writing this.
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