Back on Track

I seem to be setting a pattern of every couple of days. Oh well, at least I keep going! Friday I was able to finally do day 3. It took me awhile to find something and it ended up just being something simple - OK, so I didn't put my all into, but it worked out OK. The main thing is, I accomplished another day.

Saturday I didn't do much. I kept forgetting to read to find out what the assignment was for day 4, but the day went well. I saw progress already on the other side! We went shopping today, and my husband but me a gift! He kept asking what I needed or wanted. It's hard for me sometimes to receive like that - I want him to know me well enough that he could buy me something without asking and it would just melt my heart! But I also have been around long enough to know that some men just aren't like that! (OK, most men!) Instead of being disappointed that it wasn't the way I wanted it, I decided to appreciate the effort and thought of something I would like that he could get for me. We both left the store happy. That's a good thing.

Today (Sunday) I did day 4. It was really pretty easy - just had to take 30 seconds of my time to accomplish today's dare. That was easy and I'm still working on not being negative. But get this - my honey is noticing something different - and I really haven't tried very hard. He said, "You're being really nice lately." I'm impressed. He noticed a change sooner than I expected. Please understand, I'm married to a great man - he's awesome - he's my friend and my strength. He just doesn't understand women much and we get so busy in ministry that we don't focus on each other like we should. That one comment from him today has got me wanting to try harder, put more effort into this, and believe that we may both be improved from this.

I encourage all of you - go do something nice for your spouse. Let him/her know they matter in your life. You never know what you might start.

So far, not so good

I forgot to write yesterday. Doesn't much matter because I wasn't able to do the dare. Day three is hard! (Do I say that a lot?) It's actually just hard to do much in "giving" for my husband. He just doesn't want anything. It's not that I don't give, I give a lot, but during this "dare" I want to give above normal. I want to give in a way that he will notice I must have thought about it. Otherwise, it will just blend in. I haven't let him know that I'm doing this book - I just want him to notice that something's different in me. But that takes thought! . . . I'll think about it tomorrow.

Something else I'm realizing - how easily we set each other aside for ministry. I worked a 12 hour day today and didn't think about the Love Dare once - until I was headed for bed. I'll try harder tomorrow. Night!

Day 2

Today was hard for me. It wasn't bad - just hard. The thing I was suppose to do today was harder for me because it's something I do often and is rarely noticed - it's not something my hubby pays much attention to. So I had to really think about how to accomplish this dare in a way that he would notice. I made one attempt, but he didn't understand what I was doing. (PLEASE - buy the book so you know what I'm talking about!) I have one idea left - I'm not done yet! I have realized though that there are somethings that I will need to do knowing that I do them out of love and knowing that God sees and He will reward - and realizing that some of those things will pass right over my honey's head.

Still working on not saying anything negative. Why is it so easy to see everything wrong and harder to find all those things that are right. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot good about my marriage and my man - he has grown and improved more than any man I've ever known. I just find that turning from a negative person to a positive person is something I'm finding difficult.

As I said last night, I'm excited to see all that God is revealing to me ABOUT ME.

Day 1 - Love Dare

Today was different. Sometimes when we think we know what we are doing, we find out that God has a totally different plan. After our argument last night, I really did not feel like starting the Love Dare today. However, I had determined to do this so I did. I did not begin with a desire to please my spouse or better our marriage - I simply did it because I feel it is something God is asking me to do. So I determined to say nothing negative to my spouse today. Sadly, neither of us obeyed God to "make up" instead of going to bed angry. It is not exactly easy to say nothing negative to someone you're upset with. So there were several times that I had to simply say nothing. Again not easy for me - I'm usually VERY outspoken about how I feel!

I figured that I knew exactly how to get through this - simply say very little and basically close off until I had the opportunity to express myself. However, my refusal to be negative meant no fuel to the fire, and this evening my husband came to me and apologized. And he even was able to tell me where he had been at fault!

I was awed at God. I didn't have to point out what he had done wrong. I didn't have to defend myself or be hurtful. I gave it to God and expected nothing, but He proved again that I don't know it all! This day also made me realize something else. In my pity party, I was talking with God and saying that I will just never be able to love my husband the way he needs (basically saying I'm not good enough so why try) - after all when I try my best he says I'm not even trying. I realized (actually God told me) that he will never love me like I need either - that his best efforts seem like nothing to me at times. I was able to understand how my husband feels because I've felt like that before, often I'm too busy focusing on his faults to notice that we both have the same struggle.

So Day 1 is over and I think I was able to refrain from negativity. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book. I know it will be hard, and I'm actually no longer doing this thinking it might make him love me more. Instead, I'm thinking this journey may change me.

Total Failure

OK, so much for this plan of mine. I actually started this book a few days ago and did quite well the first day, but I totally blew it today. I found it so hard to not be negative to my spouse. OK, I can't tell you the assignment every day because it's only fair that you buy the book, but the 1st day is to not say anything negative. I blew that one majorly today. In fact we ended up in a huge arguement and now I'm shaking trying to type this. (Yes, even Pastors have fights!) I thought I would start fresh tomorrow, but it's hard when you're hurting to be willing to love first. I know God is taking me to that place - to learn to put away selfishness and learn real love. I want that, but it is hard to move past the selfishness. I want to pull away and close off until he realizes how much his behavior hurts me. I've made a real effort and it hurts when he makes it clear that my effort is meaningless. I think what bothers me the most is that we are having problems communicating and while we both are trying to meet the others needs - the other one just doesn't see it. If we could just understand each other. I know things will not change over night and honestly, things are usually not that bad here. I love my husband, but sometimes I feel like I can never please him so why even try. Funny thing is, I know he feels the exact same way about me. Hmmmm .. .. ..

So maybe I can try to say nothing negative all day tomorrow and still be closed off because I'm hurting and I don't know how to express just how much I'm hurting.

The Love Dare

Where does time go? I'm amazed it's been that long since I've written. I've decided to do something that will hopefully help me get in the habit of blogging more regularly. Last week we took a group of couples to see "Fireproof" at the theatre. It was an excellent movie and I urge EVERYONE (married or not) to go see it. This week I bought the book that is mentioned in the movie. (You have to see the movie to truly understand what's about to happen here.) I have decided to take the challenge. I've also decided to blog about the experience - hopefully I'll get on here everyday and share what this challenge is like for me over the next 40 days. I have a feeling it may change me more than "him," but maybe that's OK. Why don't you take this challenge with me? Of course, you'll have to buy the book - it just wouldn't be right for me to tell you what you're suppose to do each day - but I believe it's a worthwhile investment into you relationships, your future, and yourself. I have already started and plan to be back later to share with you my first day experience.

Birthday thoughts

Today I'm turning 40 years old. I notice that I'm reflecting a lot today. This is an interesting day for me and I'm not really sure how to describe it. I'm excited and apprehensive. Disappointed and and yet hopeful. I'm having a hard time realizing that I am now in a totally different bracket. I'm starting my 40's. Now I have to check a different age group when I fill out questionnaires. I'm not really sure how to feel about this day since I really never expected this day to come. As a teenager, I always said I would be dead by the age of 32. (Yes even though I was an unsaved heathen, I believed Jesus would return and the earth would be destroyed in 2000.) I'm glad that the Lord did not hold me to that, but the thought of growing older than 32 had never entered my mind until it actually happened. Then suddenly, it seemed each year went faster and faster until here I am, facing "middle age." What exactly is middle age? My thought is that my life is half over, I've reached the middle. Isn't that depressing? Half way through my life (IF i live to be 80) and I don't really see anything major to show that I had a purpose for being here. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I have a purpose, it just feels like it's taking me way to long to reach my purpose. If life is half over, what do I have to show for 40 years on this earth? Ouch. That could get depressing real fast.

So let's not go there.

On the other hand, I am excited about the future. I realized that my 20's were pretty much wasted. They were my rebellious years. The 30's were my growing up years. Now I'm actually ready for destiny. (Well, we're never completely ready.) I've learned alot, grown a lot, and learned to trust God a LOT. I'm ready to go forward. I remember my Grandmother telling me that her 40's were her best years and I believe mine will be to. She felt her best, lived her best. I'm excited about what the next 10 years will have in store. While I never thought I'd reach this point; I'm still glad to be alive and loving Jesus.