OK, so much for this plan of mine. I actually started this book a few days ago and did quite well the first day, but I totally blew it today. I found it so hard to not be negative to my spouse. OK, I can't tell you the assignment every day because it's only fair that you buy the book, but the 1st day is to not say anything negative. I blew that one majorly today. In fact we ended up in a huge arguement and now I'm shaking trying to type this. (Yes, even Pastors have fights!) I thought I would start fresh tomorrow, but it's hard when you're hurting to be willing to love first. I know God is taking me to that place - to learn to put away selfishness and learn real love. I want that, but it is hard to move past the selfishness. I want to pull away and close off until he realizes how much his behavior hurts me. I've made a real effort and it hurts when he makes it clear that my effort is meaningless. I think what bothers me the most is that we are having problems communicating and while we both are trying to meet the others needs - the other one just doesn't see it. If we could just understand each other. I know things will not change over night and honestly, things are usually not that bad here. I love my husband, but sometimes I feel like I can never please him so why even try. Funny thing is, I know he feels the exact same way about me. Hmmmm .. .. ..
So maybe I can try to say nothing negative all day tomorrow and still be closed off because I'm hurting and I don't know how to express just how much I'm hurting.
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