June 3rd was the last time I wrote. I had no idea at that time that my world was about to crash down around me. I had no idea that what I wrote about I would soon be experiencing. The last 2 months have been one of the most painful times of my life. On June 8th my husband told me we were seperating. He said he didn't feel anything for me anymore and saw no hope for our marriage. A lot has happened since then, but I refuse to glorify Satan by spouting out details. 4 weeks ago, my husband stepped down from ministry, told our clients he was leaving, and moved away.
I have been up and down during this time. I have been sad, angry, bitter, jealous, confused, hurt, betrayed. What else can I say? Every day seems to be a mixture of emotions. Although many people have told me to give up and move on; I have felt God telling me to stand.
There has been good to. I have sought God earnestly and He has shown me where I was at fault. I did not appreciate the man that God had given me. I had become a very selfish, judgemental person. I have had to admit my faults and ask for forgiveness. God is faithful. I have searched scriptures to learn what a godly woman is supposed to be. I have a new desire to honor God and my husband by becoming the woman I am called to be. I have believed for my husband to come home. I have prayed for him to desire to serve God completely.
Today, I hit my bottom. It all just seems like to much for one person to handle. I have been put in a place I don't want to be. I am now the Director/Pastor of the ministry, President of the corporation, head of my family, all while trying to deal with my own hurting heart. I have not heard from Jody in about a week. Tonight I lost it. I wept and wept and wept. I have cried every day for over 2 months now. Tonight I cried out to God and pleaded with Him to give me something to hang on to or heal my heart and set me free. Even though I have never felt a release to give up, I really didn't expect a response from God either. Part of me wanted Him to say be free. Part of me wanted Him to numb the pain so I don't have to go through another day feeling empty and broken.
After 30 minutes of pleading and weeping, I got up and apologized to God that I have been given several scriptures to stand on, yet once again feel such total despair. I turned on Christian TV and scanned the channels looking for a speaker to listen to. I skipped over one particular person that I had no desire to listen to. Not finding anything, I went back through and skipped that speaker again. The third time through I felt that there simply wasn't anything worthwhile on and put the one speaker on that I did not want to listen to. He said, "Lord I believe." His message was on BELIEVE. Stop the self-pity and believe. Activate God through belief. It doesn't matter how big the problem is and how desperate it looks - God is working behind the scenes and he will resurrect the dead relationship. The whole message was for me. I wept somemore, took lots of notes, and thanked God that even though I did not believe, He answered my prayer within minutes.
My husband IS coming home. Better than when he left. He may have different plans in his heart, but God directs his steps. I am more determined to pray for him. Pray that he find no peace or comfort or acceptance in the world. Pray that the Holy Spirit continue to convict him. Pray that God do whatever needs to be done to bring restoration first to Him, then to the family.
Lord, I believe.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Heart Break and Awakening
My heart is grieving today for people that I seem helpless to help. Being in ministry hurts sometimes. People let you down or turn against you, but what really hurts me is pouring into people and then watching them walk right back to the enemies side worse than ever. I find myself wondering, did we fail them somehow? Is there something more we should have done? I also find myself wanting to respond to them. It seems to me so obvious that what they are doing is wrong, surely I can convince them that they are not in God's will. But I also feel like I am not suppose to respond. A couple I care about very much has split up. A couple that shared they felt called to be Pastors. Her husband has walked out on her and her children. He is now with one of our clients which means both of them have sat under our ministry. Both of them expressed love for God and a desire to serve Him. And now both of them are praising God for bringing them each other???????? My heart breaks. Breaks for people I care about very much. Breaks for 2 young children who now are being raised without a father. Breaks for my husband who is feeling the betrayal of losing a close friend. But more than anything, my heart breaks that these things are being done in the name of God.
How can people have any knowledge of God and think that breaking up a family and having an affair is God's will? This is so absurd to me that I want to reach out, want to explain how this is wrong in so many ways. Yet we have been slammed already. By standing by the wife in this situation and expressing that we do not agree, we are now in the crossfire. Now we are hearing all the garbage being said about us. That doesn't really bother me. I don't care if someone thinks I shouldn't be in ministry. I often think I shouldn't be in ministry. After all, I am in ministry because God called me here - not because I deserve it somehow. So that I can deal with. However, there is still something in me that wants to defend myself, but I learned a long time ago not to argue with the enemy. Its a waste of time and energy. God will take care of it.
It's the deception that bothers me. It's knowing where this will end up and how even more people will be hurt. I feel like I should be able to convince them of their wrong and end this. Yet I have learned that there is a deception so deep that it can even twist the word of God. Paul said turn them over to Satan so that's what I will do. I will let them go and pray that God deals swiftly. Pray that children are protected and hearts are healed. Pray that their eyes will be open and their hearts restored.
If anyone out there is reading this, let me encourage you PLEASE to stay in the Word. And examine where your thoughts are. The Bible says sin begins with a thought - that we dwell on - and eventually act on. Where have your thoughts been? Are they on Godly things? Are they on what you don't have, how you're mistreated, how much more you deserve? Examine your thoughts and get rid of those that do not line up with God. Before they grow into actions and become sin. I've seen it too many times now. I've seen it happen to Christian people. If you entertain the thoughts long enough, Satan will make sure you have an opportunity to act upon your desires. If you are not strong enough to resist, you could fall as well. And once deception sets in it seems that people find it difficult to even recognize truth any longer. So please - examine where you are. Check your thoughts. Let's serve God instead of self while we are here.
How can people have any knowledge of God and think that breaking up a family and having an affair is God's will? This is so absurd to me that I want to reach out, want to explain how this is wrong in so many ways. Yet we have been slammed already. By standing by the wife in this situation and expressing that we do not agree, we are now in the crossfire. Now we are hearing all the garbage being said about us. That doesn't really bother me. I don't care if someone thinks I shouldn't be in ministry. I often think I shouldn't be in ministry. After all, I am in ministry because God called me here - not because I deserve it somehow. So that I can deal with. However, there is still something in me that wants to defend myself, but I learned a long time ago not to argue with the enemy. Its a waste of time and energy. God will take care of it.
It's the deception that bothers me. It's knowing where this will end up and how even more people will be hurt. I feel like I should be able to convince them of their wrong and end this. Yet I have learned that there is a deception so deep that it can even twist the word of God. Paul said turn them over to Satan so that's what I will do. I will let them go and pray that God deals swiftly. Pray that children are protected and hearts are healed. Pray that their eyes will be open and their hearts restored.
If anyone out there is reading this, let me encourage you PLEASE to stay in the Word. And examine where your thoughts are. The Bible says sin begins with a thought - that we dwell on - and eventually act on. Where have your thoughts been? Are they on Godly things? Are they on what you don't have, how you're mistreated, how much more you deserve? Examine your thoughts and get rid of those that do not line up with God. Before they grow into actions and become sin. I've seen it too many times now. I've seen it happen to Christian people. If you entertain the thoughts long enough, Satan will make sure you have an opportunity to act upon your desires. If you are not strong enough to resist, you could fall as well. And once deception sets in it seems that people find it difficult to even recognize truth any longer. So please - examine where you are. Check your thoughts. Let's serve God instead of self while we are here.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Count it all joy
I taught Bible Study today. It was the first time since before Christmas that I taught/preached. I know I'm supposed to, but it's easy to make excuses and keep putting things off. For several weeks now, God has had me reading James. Not just reading, but really focused. Finally, I paid attention and realized I was supposed to be teaching the book of James. I called my hubby right away and told him I needed to commit to teach one day a week. Then I didn't mention it again so it was put off a few more weeks. Finally, last night he asked me to teach this morning. So I did. I Almost cancelled this morning. Said I wasn't ready and Jody offered to teach the class, but I knew I had to obey. So I committed to teach what i had - however short that might be. We talked for an hour on the first 8 verses. There is so much that I feel God saying and we literally tore apart the verses. Talked about the author, the time frame, the recipients, key words, application, etc. I love how the Word comes alive. "count it all joy when you face trials" I think that's in verse 2. Have a positive outlook. It doesn't mean you have to fake happiness when your struggling. It means stay positive. Know God is going to bring you through it. And He's going to bring good out of it. Stay focused. Don't give up, He has never failed you before and He is not about to start. Every trial you go through makes you stronger, better equipped to hang tight. How exciting! And God will put thongs in your path when you least expect them to help you get where you need to be.
I have struggled with my exercise routines since moving to Arizona. Back in Florida I was a member of the YMCA and I would go with a close friend until I was comfortable going on my own. I actually had that membership for a year and had never stepped foot in the building until this friend agreed to go with me! Honestly, the y was mostly seniors and somewhat out of shape people so I didn't mind going. We had looked into it here, but I wasn't impressed with the one we visited, so again, I kept putting it off. 2 weeks ago I found a deal on a 2 month family membership at a local fitness club for $20. So i bought it. (thank you Jesus, thank you Groupon!)I had until October to use it so I convinced myself that between now and then I
would take that step. And if I didn't, at least it was only $20. For the last 2 weeks I have beaten myself up for wasting the money - knowing full well I will never step foot into a "tennis, racquetball, and swim club." especially one in upper class Scottsdale.
I have every excuse. I'm waiting for my husband to join me. I need to get back on track first. Blah, blah, blah. Yesterday I decided to just go sign up. At least then my daughter might get some use out of the 2 months. My hubby went with me and we got our cards. Of course there was not one out of shape person in the whole place. But i noticed it was quiet during the day and I began to think just maybe I cow.d do this. Then I taught today. I taught that trials bring perseverance and steadfastness. I taught to have a positive outlook even in tough times. I taught to stay focused, embrace the hardships, and never give up. And then I went to the gym. By myself. Alone. And I went in. I climbed back on the elliptical for the first time in 8 months. It wasn't as quiet as I expected. The Phoenix fire department works out there, but I did not run away. I persevered. My right foot cramped horribly and both feet felt numb on the bottom but I completed over 3000 strokes in 30 minutes. And then I completed a full circuit of leg exercises. The best part? Half way through my hubby showed up and rode a bike for awhile. It felt good having him there, but I proved that I don't have to wait for him to do what I need to do for me. Today I persevered. I faced my trial. And I grew because of it.
Thanks James.
I have struggled with my exercise routines since moving to Arizona. Back in Florida I was a member of the YMCA and I would go with a close friend until I was comfortable going on my own. I actually had that membership for a year and had never stepped foot in the building until this friend agreed to go with me! Honestly, the y was mostly seniors and somewhat out of shape people so I didn't mind going. We had looked into it here, but I wasn't impressed with the one we visited, so again, I kept putting it off. 2 weeks ago I found a deal on a 2 month family membership at a local fitness club for $20. So i bought it. (thank you Jesus, thank you Groupon!)I had until October to use it so I convinced myself that between now and then I
would take that step. And if I didn't, at least it was only $20. For the last 2 weeks I have beaten myself up for wasting the money - knowing full well I will never step foot into a "tennis, racquetball, and swim club." especially one in upper class Scottsdale.
I have every excuse. I'm waiting for my husband to join me. I need to get back on track first. Blah, blah, blah. Yesterday I decided to just go sign up. At least then my daughter might get some use out of the 2 months. My hubby went with me and we got our cards. Of course there was not one out of shape person in the whole place. But i noticed it was quiet during the day and I began to think just maybe I cow.d do this. Then I taught today. I taught that trials bring perseverance and steadfastness. I taught to have a positive outlook even in tough times. I taught to stay focused, embrace the hardships, and never give up. And then I went to the gym. By myself. Alone. And I went in. I climbed back on the elliptical for the first time in 8 months. It wasn't as quiet as I expected. The Phoenix fire department works out there, but I did not run away. I persevered. My right foot cramped horribly and both feet felt numb on the bottom but I completed over 3000 strokes in 30 minutes. And then I completed a full circuit of leg exercises. The best part? Half way through my hubby showed up and rode a bike for awhile. It felt good having him there, but I proved that I don't have to wait for him to do what I need to do for me. Today I persevered. I faced my trial. And I grew because of it.
Thanks James.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Whose Report will You Believe?
Time for another bought of total honesty. It seems so many of my postings are my intense struggles and I begin to wonder if I'm ever going to actually overcome and have something nice to say. So I vowed to start focusing on the positive. I tell people in my class that we process information through fear or through faith. We either look at something and base our decisions, opinions, actions, etc on what God says about it (FAITH), or we use our past (hurts, betrayals, spoken words, etc) to look at something and base our decisions, actions, etc (FEAR). I have noticed that I tend to be very negative and process through the past. I don't want to do that anymore. So I am working on changing my thought patterns. I'm trying to convince myself that even though God sees the same failures in my life that I see, He sees them differently. He doesn't look and condemn - instead he sees the potential in my life. He looks at my faults and says "though your sin be as scarlet, I can make you white as snow." (OK, that's the Terri Hall paraphrase, but it's close - google it, it's one of the major prophets; I think.) He looks at my faults and says, "My grace is sufficient for thee." I've got to start realizing that God isn't anywhere near as hard on me as I am. It's the enemy that wants to see us backed in a corner, giving up, warped in self condemnation.
Sometimes I think it's even harder in ministry, because you have plenty of people who will come along side of you and agree with every fault you can find. THey will even point out many more that you weren't aware of! It's imperative that we know who we are in God in order to overcome these times in our lives. So, that's what I've been thinking about lately. And the last 2 days I've been doing a lot of soul searching, prayer, and writing. I'm ready to make some changes. I'm ready to put some things into action. I will be writing later on the Satisfied blog so check it out if you don't read it already. I think what I've been dealing with the last couple days will help others to. http://www.imsatisfied.blogspot.com/ See you there!
As the old song says; "Whose report will you believe? We will believe the report of the Lord!"
Sometimes I think it's even harder in ministry, because you have plenty of people who will come along side of you and agree with every fault you can find. THey will even point out many more that you weren't aware of! It's imperative that we know who we are in God in order to overcome these times in our lives. So, that's what I've been thinking about lately. And the last 2 days I've been doing a lot of soul searching, prayer, and writing. I'm ready to make some changes. I'm ready to put some things into action. I will be writing later on the Satisfied blog so check it out if you don't read it already. I think what I've been dealing with the last couple days will help others to. http://www.imsatisfied.blogspot.com/ See you there!
As the old song says; "Whose report will you believe? We will believe the report of the Lord!"
Monday, January 3, 2011
Where I'm at Today.
Today I sat down to read my Bible and I briefly asked God to give me understanding of His word. Usually I read through the Bible, starting at the beginning and simply moving forward, but today I felt God wanted me to read James. As I turned there I asked Him to help me focus, not just read because I should read, but to really get something out of His word. As I read the first chapter in the book of James, the last verse made a serious impact.
" Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world." James 1:27
This one simple verse had a double impact on me today. First, I had to examine my life recently and ask myself honestly, "Am I caring for orphans and widows?" Jody & I founded Aiming High Ministries on outreach. Our heart was outreach.We took food to the homeless, collected clothes for needy children, served in the Katrina recovery, put together Christmas events for families, and ran a food pantry out of our dining room just because we wanted to make a difference. There's an amazing feeling that comes with serving others. But somewhere along the way, our paths seem to have narrowed. Now most of my time is spent at a desk - budgeting, writing letters, fundraising, developing programs. Sure, I believe we are still involved in outreach. Afterall, we run a recovery program and most people come in poor, lost, and needing different avenues of help. But I realized this morning that we're not OUT anymore. People come to us, we're not going to them.
I'm not being judgemental on us. We've only been here 5 months and the huge undertaking of aquiring a recovery center has taken most of our time and attention. But I believe God responded to my prayer because it's time add community outreach back into what we do as ministers. Praying that God will now guide us into what He desires for us to do. And I know He will.
Second, pure religion is to be unspotted from the world. Hmmmm. I've always heard the religion that pleases God is to care for the widows. I think most people tend to leave the second half of this verse off. (Or I've chosen to ignore that part!) God expects us to refrain from the ways of the world as much as He expects us to feed the poor. Being set apart is important. Very important. This verse has become the cry of my heart: give me the boldness and desire to reach out to others, and the strength to live a life of holiness. I desire to overcome the things of this world so that I might be an example of Christ's power in the lives of others. Today was a great start.
" Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world." James 1:27
This one simple verse had a double impact on me today. First, I had to examine my life recently and ask myself honestly, "Am I caring for orphans and widows?" Jody & I founded Aiming High Ministries on outreach. Our heart was outreach.We took food to the homeless, collected clothes for needy children, served in the Katrina recovery, put together Christmas events for families, and ran a food pantry out of our dining room just because we wanted to make a difference. There's an amazing feeling that comes with serving others. But somewhere along the way, our paths seem to have narrowed. Now most of my time is spent at a desk - budgeting, writing letters, fundraising, developing programs. Sure, I believe we are still involved in outreach. Afterall, we run a recovery program and most people come in poor, lost, and needing different avenues of help. But I realized this morning that we're not OUT anymore. People come to us, we're not going to them.
I'm not being judgemental on us. We've only been here 5 months and the huge undertaking of aquiring a recovery center has taken most of our time and attention. But I believe God responded to my prayer because it's time add community outreach back into what we do as ministers. Praying that God will now guide us into what He desires for us to do. And I know He will.
Second, pure religion is to be unspotted from the world. Hmmmm. I've always heard the religion that pleases God is to care for the widows. I think most people tend to leave the second half of this verse off. (Or I've chosen to ignore that part!) God expects us to refrain from the ways of the world as much as He expects us to feed the poor. Being set apart is important. Very important. This verse has become the cry of my heart: give me the boldness and desire to reach out to others, and the strength to live a life of holiness. I desire to overcome the things of this world so that I might be an example of Christ's power in the lives of others. Today was a great start.
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Truth
I haven’t posted anything in quite awhile. No excuses, it just hasn’t happened. So much has been going on lately. We recently relocated to Phoenix Arizona from St Petersburg, FL. Moved our family, our ministry, everything. We vacationed in Phoenix back in May and just fell in love with the place. My husband (Pastor Jay) and I both felt God had put this place on our hearts and was calling us here. So here we are. It has not been an easy transaction, but it has been a smooth one. God provided the close to $5000.00 we needed to relocate: truck, fuel, rental car, food, rent, security, utility deposits, etc. My hubby went to Phoenix a month before us and was able to find a house for us to rent that fits us and our ministry. 1 week after arriving, we are settled and I love the house. That’s pretty amazing in itself since I didn’t help pick it!!
It hasn’t all been easy though. Our teenage daughter didn’t want to come. She misses her friends, her school, and the home she’s known for the past 12 years. It is hard being here and not having any women friends to talk to or spend time with. I know how she’s feeling. Also, my wonderful husband needs to find a job right away. He is director of a recovery center that helps us with housing, but it’s not enough to pay our bills. We are quickly running out of $ and bills are coming due, but I have peace. I admit, I’ve been worried about the electric bill (I’ve heard of $600 bills out here!), but I’m walking through it.
The stress of moving, the stress of finances, and the stress of leaving everything you know and love behind has taken it’s toll. My husband and I have been fighting a lot. I find myself lashing out and then regretting it later. Yes we are ministers, but we are not perfect. We have our struggles just like anyone else. And we just tend to take things out on those closest to us. I still have lessons to learn and things that God needs to work out in me. The awesome thing about our God is that He doesn’t turn away when we mess up, but He leads us through. That’s where I’ve been lately. Since we’ve been here, we’ve had incredible times of prayer and worship, yet I’m taking all my frustration out on my hubby instead of taking it to God. I was confronted with the seriousness of this a couple of nights ago.
Another person attacked my husband verbally. Said he wasn’t a true minister because he isn’t at the recovery center full time. Doesn’t matter that he has a family or needs to find a job – he is expected to always be available when someone needs him. (Ask any minister, this is a typical belief in the people we work with!) The comment bothered him. God began to show me how much he has taken on and he doesn’t gripe or complain or lash out at me. He is dealing with the same money issues that I am. He is a man who currently cannot provide for his family. He is doing his best in a new position and being judged unfairly. He has no close friends or confidants here and cannot even turn to his wife for encouragement. The one place that should be welcoming and safe for him has been a place of more attack. I have failed miserably lately and been totally absorbed in self. That is about to change.
I know we were called here. I know God wants us here and therefore He will provide for us. I believe there is destiny here for us. We need to draw closer together and go forward. I am committing to walk in faith and stop the garbage that has flowed from my tongue. Blessing and cursing from the same place? Not anymore. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I am committing to lift up my husband and speak faith into him and our situation. I will declare the goodness and provision of our God; no longer will I give the enemy power with my words. It is time to go forward. I declare it!
It hasn’t all been easy though. Our teenage daughter didn’t want to come. She misses her friends, her school, and the home she’s known for the past 12 years. It is hard being here and not having any women friends to talk to or spend time with. I know how she’s feeling. Also, my wonderful husband needs to find a job right away. He is director of a recovery center that helps us with housing, but it’s not enough to pay our bills. We are quickly running out of $ and bills are coming due, but I have peace. I admit, I’ve been worried about the electric bill (I’ve heard of $600 bills out here!), but I’m walking through it.
The stress of moving, the stress of finances, and the stress of leaving everything you know and love behind has taken it’s toll. My husband and I have been fighting a lot. I find myself lashing out and then regretting it later. Yes we are ministers, but we are not perfect. We have our struggles just like anyone else. And we just tend to take things out on those closest to us. I still have lessons to learn and things that God needs to work out in me. The awesome thing about our God is that He doesn’t turn away when we mess up, but He leads us through. That’s where I’ve been lately. Since we’ve been here, we’ve had incredible times of prayer and worship, yet I’m taking all my frustration out on my hubby instead of taking it to God. I was confronted with the seriousness of this a couple of nights ago.
Another person attacked my husband verbally. Said he wasn’t a true minister because he isn’t at the recovery center full time. Doesn’t matter that he has a family or needs to find a job – he is expected to always be available when someone needs him. (Ask any minister, this is a typical belief in the people we work with!) The comment bothered him. God began to show me how much he has taken on and he doesn’t gripe or complain or lash out at me. He is dealing with the same money issues that I am. He is a man who currently cannot provide for his family. He is doing his best in a new position and being judged unfairly. He has no close friends or confidants here and cannot even turn to his wife for encouragement. The one place that should be welcoming and safe for him has been a place of more attack. I have failed miserably lately and been totally absorbed in self. That is about to change.
I know we were called here. I know God wants us here and therefore He will provide for us. I believe there is destiny here for us. We need to draw closer together and go forward. I am committing to walk in faith and stop the garbage that has flowed from my tongue. Blessing and cursing from the same place? Not anymore. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I am committing to lift up my husband and speak faith into him and our situation. I will declare the goodness and provision of our God; no longer will I give the enemy power with my words. It is time to go forward. I declare it!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Update
Dear friends and partners,
Wow! God is stiring things up like only He can do and continuing to blow my mind! As many of you know, we received a burden 2 months ago for Pheonix, Arizona. Monday, July 26 we will be packing the truck and heading out. We will be traveling about 2300 miles over 3 days in a truck to get there. Fun, fun!
We will be restructuring a recovery center in Phoenix and birthing a ministry to young people called "The Edge." Our desire is to build a ministry where any denomination can come and worship and be accepted - church that doesn't look anything like church. Our desire is also to continue doing conferences and some other projects as the Lord leads. All of this may change as our plan is to copy Matt Pitt when the Basement was birthed. Simply pray, worship, read the word, and then do exactly what God says!!
God has moved quickly in the last 2 months to position and prepare us for this transition. He has provided the $3000 for moving. Jody just returned from a 3 week trip there and he was able to find a house that is being held for us and rented monthly so we are free to move as God instructs. The recovery center found a building to plant a church and Jody became their worship Pastor. This building also gives us a place to start our meetings at a resonable fee. One of my hearts cry was to have a solid covering as we stepped out into new territory and God has also answered that. Not only has Aiming High moved under this new covering, but so have we. Last Sunday, Jody and I were ordained and commissioned by Pastors Deon and Carmen Lett and Aiming High is now an affiliate of New Destiny. I keep hearing "completion" in my spirit. Many of you will understand the significance of this move. There is peace and security in knowing that you have a covering that will pray when they say they will pray. I am so excited that God has brought us under a couple that I love so much.
I can't even begin to explain the burning in my spirit for this new step. Phoenix is the meth capital and human trafficking capital of our country. It is the number one place for kidnapping and the Mexican mafia is strong, but God is stronger. Last week we took our youth group to camp as our last event together and a saw a vision of one tendril of smoke rising out of the middle of Florida. That smoke suddenly burst into a raging fire and the fire burned across Florida and into the midwest, consuming states as it reached into and covered Arizona. I was thinking it looked like a wildfire with the quickness that it started and spread. God showed me that when a wildfire is in full force, there is little man can do to stop it. They can try different things to weaken the fire, but the only real hope to stop a raging wildfire is to get it to burn itself out. Then He told me that this is the fire inside each of us - the enemy can come against us and try to discourage us, but he cannot have victory. The only way to defeat us is if WE allow the fire to go out. That's why it is so important to have connections with others, to encourage and uplift and come together - it keeps the fire raging.
That's my little sermonette for the day. No matter what it looks like in the natural, the enemy DOES NOT HAVE THE POWER TO PUT YOUR FIRE OUT! He cannot win!
Our number one greatest need is prayer. Please cover us, our daughter, Aiming High, our finances, etc. Jody will need to find a paying job when we get there to support us and our ministry will need to bring in finances to cover it's costs as well. We truly need every aspect of this journey covered in prayers. We are going into a place of darkness and the darkness doesn't want us there, but our God is able and He has linked us with powerful prayer warriors for a reason. I am hoping to get better at sending out regular prayer requests as I get settled. Also, please respond and let me know if you want to receive our newsletter. Of couse, we need financial assistant and donations can be made on our web-site at www.aiminghighministries.com or www.terrihall.org if anyone is able. We love all of you and I look forward to seeing you the next time we're in the area.
Discovering Destiny!
Pastors Jody & Terri Hall
Fullfill Your Destiny!
www.aiminghighministries.com
Wow! God is stiring things up like only He can do and continuing to blow my mind! As many of you know, we received a burden 2 months ago for Pheonix, Arizona. Monday, July 26 we will be packing the truck and heading out. We will be traveling about 2300 miles over 3 days in a truck to get there. Fun, fun!
We will be restructuring a recovery center in Phoenix and birthing a ministry to young people called "The Edge." Our desire is to build a ministry where any denomination can come and worship and be accepted - church that doesn't look anything like church. Our desire is also to continue doing conferences and some other projects as the Lord leads. All of this may change as our plan is to copy Matt Pitt when the Basement was birthed. Simply pray, worship, read the word, and then do exactly what God says!!
God has moved quickly in the last 2 months to position and prepare us for this transition. He has provided the $3000 for moving. Jody just returned from a 3 week trip there and he was able to find a house that is being held for us and rented monthly so we are free to move as God instructs. The recovery center found a building to plant a church and Jody became their worship Pastor. This building also gives us a place to start our meetings at a resonable fee. One of my hearts cry was to have a solid covering as we stepped out into new territory and God has also answered that. Not only has Aiming High moved under this new covering, but so have we. Last Sunday, Jody and I were ordained and commissioned by Pastors Deon and Carmen Lett and Aiming High is now an affiliate of New Destiny. I keep hearing "completion" in my spirit. Many of you will understand the significance of this move. There is peace and security in knowing that you have a covering that will pray when they say they will pray. I am so excited that God has brought us under a couple that I love so much.
I can't even begin to explain the burning in my spirit for this new step. Phoenix is the meth capital and human trafficking capital of our country. It is the number one place for kidnapping and the Mexican mafia is strong, but God is stronger. Last week we took our youth group to camp as our last event together and a saw a vision of one tendril of smoke rising out of the middle of Florida. That smoke suddenly burst into a raging fire and the fire burned across Florida and into the midwest, consuming states as it reached into and covered Arizona. I was thinking it looked like a wildfire with the quickness that it started and spread. God showed me that when a wildfire is in full force, there is little man can do to stop it. They can try different things to weaken the fire, but the only real hope to stop a raging wildfire is to get it to burn itself out. Then He told me that this is the fire inside each of us - the enemy can come against us and try to discourage us, but he cannot have victory. The only way to defeat us is if WE allow the fire to go out. That's why it is so important to have connections with others, to encourage and uplift and come together - it keeps the fire raging.
That's my little sermonette for the day. No matter what it looks like in the natural, the enemy DOES NOT HAVE THE POWER TO PUT YOUR FIRE OUT! He cannot win!
Our number one greatest need is prayer. Please cover us, our daughter, Aiming High, our finances, etc. Jody will need to find a paying job when we get there to support us and our ministry will need to bring in finances to cover it's costs as well. We truly need every aspect of this journey covered in prayers. We are going into a place of darkness and the darkness doesn't want us there, but our God is able and He has linked us with powerful prayer warriors for a reason. I am hoping to get better at sending out regular prayer requests as I get settled. Also, please respond and let me know if you want to receive our newsletter. Of couse, we need financial assistant and donations can be made on our web-site at www.aiminghighministries.com or www.terrihall.org if anyone is able. We love all of you and I look forward to seeing you the next time we're in the area.
Discovering Destiny!
Pastors Jody & Terri Hall
Fullfill Your Destiny!
www.aiminghighministries.com
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New Years
Excited for the New Year. Don't think I'll be on here much unless there's really something to write about. My focus will be the Satisfied! blog since most of my time right now is spent on that stuff. I am excited about the future and all that it holds. I am believing for great things this year - time to step into ministry, draw closer to God, get healthier. Yada yada yada. I'm ready and I want to hit the ground running. Only way to succeed is to step forward. Let's GO!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Joy & Sadness
Still doing great! I am very much in love with God and desiring to go farther. I just need to spend more time in study now. My husband & I are under such a strong attack right now. It seems like the people who are the most against us are those who should actually have our back. I am so grateful for close friends that I can share my heart with. I am thankful that they can see truth and I have not totally lost it. It hurts to have people you work with stab you in the back, but then they crucified Christ, right? The Bible tells us to love each other, lift one another up, and with humility bring correction. We are not suppose to base our actions or our words on jealousy, anger, or opinions. The church should not look so much like the world. Yet I would not leave the Church for anything. I am so much better because of Jesus, regardless of how people behave. My prayer is simply this: "Teach me to love the way You love, Lord. Give me wisdom to discern right from wrong. Help me to never hurt another person the way I am hurting right now. Amen"
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Freedom! (& deliverance)
God is absolutely amazing! I am more in love with Him than I have ever been. I have to start blogging again because I just can't even find enough ways to express the joy I have. I've never known the joy of the Lord like this before. It truly is my strength. I am free. No worries, no fear, no anger. WOW! I went through a deliverance 5 days ago. I know, I know, very controversial. I'm so tired of hearing all the different opinions on deliverance. Honestly, I can't find proof for or against in the Bible. All I can say is this: if everything said and done in that room was done to glorify Jesus and His name and I have been set free - then I really don't care who thinks it's real or not real. If that's where God had to take me (or let me go) and now I can see fruit and He gets the glory? That's all I need!
The fruit: He is on my mind all the time now. I've been able to do things I used to be afraid of (ignore bugs, etc). My eating habits have completely gone from insane to healthy - I can actually resist the temptation to keep eating. I care what I look like - use to leave the house not caring how I represented (no makeup, old clothes). I'm HAPPY. I want to worship. I WANT to care for my husband and child - used to get mad everytime I cleaned up after them. My husband looks at me different. For the first time in my life I feel equipped to walk in destiny. Not that I can suddenly do it, but that I believe in the call on my life now and feel able to be trusted with such a call.
All the junk in my life is still there - work, pressure, opposition - but I am different. And I thank Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of the Living God for changing my life.
The fruit: He is on my mind all the time now. I've been able to do things I used to be afraid of (ignore bugs, etc). My eating habits have completely gone from insane to healthy - I can actually resist the temptation to keep eating. I care what I look like - use to leave the house not caring how I represented (no makeup, old clothes). I'm HAPPY. I want to worship. I WANT to care for my husband and child - used to get mad everytime I cleaned up after them. My husband looks at me different. For the first time in my life I feel equipped to walk in destiny. Not that I can suddenly do it, but that I believe in the call on my life now and feel able to be trusted with such a call.
All the junk in my life is still there - work, pressure, opposition - but I am different. And I thank Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of the Living God for changing my life.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
God is GOOD!
WOW! Four months since I've blogged?? Maybe blogging isn't my thing. I love writing and wish I could find more time to do so, it just seems so very hard to find time to do things I love that aren't currently necessary. Anywoo, I need to update since so many things have changed. The company we worked for outside of Aiming High did not close, but downsized alot. We were laid off, it has been a struggle financially at times, but God is and has been (and always will be) so faithful. We have not had to go without necessitites. And it has given us the opportunity to go full time into ministry, which is where our hearts desire has always been.
Jody is in a band now and they are playing their first gig this Saturday. We started a youth ministry last summer and it is growing and we are able to put lots of time into it, which I love. I have a weekly drama ministry now and that is like living a dream. So many things are stepping into place for us right now. It is an exciting time as we wait to see what the Lord is doing.
I have to testify - Our daughter is in a school for modeling/acting (that someone paid for her to attend). Last week, she came home crying because they rated her outfit "fair." She is supposed to dress in business attire and just doesn't have much of that in her normal teenage closet. She was crying because she wants to be her best, yet knew that we had no money to go buy clothing. 2 days later, I went to work and someone had given us a $500 donation to our family. Once again, God proved Himself to our child. He is SOOO GOOD!
Jody is in a band now and they are playing their first gig this Saturday. We started a youth ministry last summer and it is growing and we are able to put lots of time into it, which I love. I have a weekly drama ministry now and that is like living a dream. So many things are stepping into place for us right now. It is an exciting time as we wait to see what the Lord is doing.
I have to testify - Our daughter is in a school for modeling/acting (that someone paid for her to attend). Last week, she came home crying because they rated her outfit "fair." She is supposed to dress in business attire and just doesn't have much of that in her normal teenage closet. She was crying because she wants to be her best, yet knew that we had no money to go buy clothing. 2 days later, I went to work and someone had given us a $500 donation to our family. Once again, God proved Himself to our child. He is SOOO GOOD!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
11 Days Later!
I had no idea it had been 11 days since I wrote! How does time go by so fast? I have not done well with my "Love Dare" challenge. After writing the last time, I got stuck on the next one - doing something they needed done (basically). that was tough and it took me a couple days to find something - then last week my husband got very sick and I taught his class for him. Then I moved the book and totally forgot that I was doing this. Occassionally I would remember, but wouldn't have the book near me so I've been on vacation for the past week. Hopefully I can jump back in now. My book is safely back in my bedroom and in reach to be read on a daily basis.
It's been quite a week. One of the ministries we work with is very likely closing down. We have both been laid off with no notice. I know that our needs are met and God will take care of us, but I also know it's so close to Christmas and we have other bills that we will not be able to pay without a mighty move of God. The awesome things in all this - we serve a MIGHTY God. 'Nite!
It's been quite a week. One of the ministries we work with is very likely closing down. We have both been laid off with no notice. I know that our needs are met and God will take care of us, but I also know it's so close to Christmas and we have other bills that we will not be able to pay without a mighty move of God. The awesome things in all this - we serve a MIGHTY God. 'Nite!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Love in laundry
Yesterday I needed to do something "just because" - for no reason other than the fact that I choose to love him. I do "just because" things a lot because that's my love language - random acts of service. I feel more love coming home to washed dishes than a dozen roses. (I know, there may be something wrong there!) It's just who I am. For me, an act of kindness (or service) says that he thought about me, thought about how he could help me, and loved me enough to do something that he didn't have to do. Anyone can buy flowers - I want effort. Anyway, since I tend to do what speaks love to me already, I had to think of something that would really show I was doing this for no reason other than love. So, I did . . . are you ready . . . his laundry. Go ahead and laugh. I'm serious.
You have to understand that we are not a "typical" family. To get things done around our house in our limited time at home, we have to have assigned "Chores". Also, I am pretty picky about how I want things done, so I have to assign things that can be done correctly or I end up doing them over anyway. Also, when we moved this year, the laundry room is outside and not in the greatest condition. So I would rather stay away from the laundry room - which makes laundry the perfect job for my hubby! The bad side of this is that he has enough clothes to last a good 3 weeks where I need clothes washed weekly. So when things are really busy, I end up doing my own laundry on my work from home day. Well, we've been in one of those busy periods and my husband is about out of clothing - so I chose to do his laundry. I wanted to do something that would absolutely show my love - I think I picked it. I was able to get all of it washed, dried, and folded before he came home yesterday.
It took him a while to notice, but that's OK - it's not his love language and besides, it was done for love, not attention, RIGHT?
You have to understand that we are not a "typical" family. To get things done around our house in our limited time at home, we have to have assigned "Chores". Also, I am pretty picky about how I want things done, so I have to assign things that can be done correctly or I end up doing them over anyway. Also, when we moved this year, the laundry room is outside and not in the greatest condition. So I would rather stay away from the laundry room - which makes laundry the perfect job for my hubby! The bad side of this is that he has enough clothes to last a good 3 weeks where I need clothes washed weekly. So when things are really busy, I end up doing my own laundry on my work from home day. Well, we've been in one of those busy periods and my husband is about out of clothing - so I chose to do his laundry. I wanted to do something that would absolutely show my love - I think I picked it. I was able to get all of it washed, dried, and folded before he came home yesterday.
It took him a while to notice, but that's OK - it's not his love language and besides, it was done for love, not attention, RIGHT?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Day 9
While I recommend that anyone wanting to improve their marriage should do the Love Dare, I don't recommend doing it the way I do. Do NOT take a month to work through 1 week! I am being convicted that while I am doing a good thing, it is becoming obvious where my priorities lie. I love my family very much, but taking on this project is showing me how much I allow ministry, work, cleaning, etc to fill my days and thus it takes me a week sometimes to do one Dare. I am making a greater effort to do the dare each day. I believe the most important thing is that we keep going and not stop or give up, but I will work harder to do the devotions/dare more regularly.
The days are going well. I have had times of self revelation and honesty. I started Day 9 three days ago but don't feel that I've had the opportunity to really complete the task, so I'm focusing on Day 9 today. I have noticed over and over, that every time I make an effort to be pleasant or kind that it is never received negatively. I'm noticing that I can stop a lot of the dissension that we do have (not that we have very much) by refusing to respond in a negative way. Most of our disagreements are caused by one of us being defensive instead of understanding. I am grateful that we don't fight often, but I desire to stop the petty, needless stuff. There is so much more to living than always having to be right. I want to spend more time enjoying the incredible gift that God has given me in my family.
The days are going well. I have had times of self revelation and honesty. I started Day 9 three days ago but don't feel that I've had the opportunity to really complete the task, so I'm focusing on Day 9 today. I have noticed over and over, that every time I make an effort to be pleasant or kind that it is never received negatively. I'm noticing that I can stop a lot of the dissension that we do have (not that we have very much) by refusing to respond in a negative way. Most of our disagreements are caused by one of us being defensive instead of understanding. I am grateful that we don't fight often, but I desire to stop the petty, needless stuff. There is so much more to living than always having to be right. I want to spend more time enjoying the incredible gift that God has given me in my family.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I'm running behind.
I realized yesterday that I'm actually on day 8 now. I guess that's what happens when you don't stay consistent! Day 6 took me several days to complete because it required time and I'm not so good with that. Before this, the dares have been simple tasks that require very little effort - or they're fun and you don't mind doing them (like shopping)!! But day 6 requires you to sit down and think, take a look at yourself, and write some stuff down. I was more than willing to do that, it was just making the time to complete the task that was my problem. I don't have an issue with looking at my faults and weaknesses - I reached the point a long time ago of wanting change, fun, and contentment over hiding and avoidance. I admit I need work - so I spent some time going over where I need to adjust my schedule - still not sure how I'm going to do that - and looking at how I react to certain situations and what that means. I discovered there are still some character defects in my life that I would rather not have. I still have some pride and selfishness that needs to be released. The awesome thing is - God loves me so much, He won't let me stay this way.
That's my prayer today. That the Holy Spirit continue to search my heart - and remove any bitterness, hurt, pride, fear (and so on) that still remains. Bring to my attention when I'm about to say or do something for the wrong reasons. Help me to be a better example of who you've taught me to be. In Jesus' Name. Amen
That's my prayer today. That the Holy Spirit continue to search my heart - and remove any bitterness, hurt, pride, fear (and so on) that still remains. Bring to my attention when I'm about to say or do something for the wrong reasons. Help me to be a better example of who you've taught me to be. In Jesus' Name. Amen
Monday, October 20, 2008
Day 5
Consistency is obviously a problem for me! It stuns me that another week has gone by. I'm still doing the Love Dare, but it seems to be going at my pace rather than daily. I did Day 5 about a week ago. It was easy for me - which shows me how I've grown over the years. I had to ask my husband what I do that he finds irritating - and stay calm and friendly while doing so! There was a time in my life when I would have been on edge waiting for his reply and then I would have had to defend myself once he answered. I love change! I was able to ask and hear his response. In fact, I already had a pretty good idea of what irritates him about me. Complete honesty - I do some of those things on purpose when I want to irritate him. (Yes, I admit it, I am a Pastor & a Pastor's wife and yet I sometimes push buttons and irritate my man on purpose!)
How do I irritate him?
1. When I take our child's side instead of his (in front of her). Actually, he said that doesn't just irritate him - it makes him flat out mad. I know, I know - never disagree in front of your child when it concerns your child - I'm working on it, believe me I'm working on it.
OK, I know this is a valid point and he's right on this issue so I need to work harder on supporting him (even when I disagree).
2. I probably should not admit this since I'm in ministry and there are lots of people who like to judge those in ministry, but I believe in being honest and real. God has asked me to strive and never give up - he knows I miss it sometimes. So, the second thing about me that irritates my husband is when I get really, really mad - sometimes I will curse. It really bothers him. It actually bothers me to. I don't like reaching that point. In the world, I had a horrible mouth for years and it took me quite a while to use bad language less and less often. Now when I reach the point of saying something I don't want to say - I have to go back to God and ask Him to examine my heart. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. If ungodly things come out of my mouth, then I believe there is an issue with my heart. Then I have to humble myself and apologize to God and my husband.
3. The last thing he said that irritates him is when I don't walk in my God given purpose. Sometimes he sees more potential in me then I can see in myself. He gets frustrated when I walk beneath my potential. That's actually really sweet.
So, I was blessed by this assignment. My honey has valid things that bother him. Things that I admit I need to work on. Again, I come away surprised at how much we've grown. I'm so greatful that we've come to a place in our relationship that we can have conversations like this without it starting a fight - and the responses are real - not the petty little things that use to drive us crazy about each other.
I have read Day 6 and unfortunately have kept putting it off - not because I don't want to do, but because it will require a little more insight and effort on my part. I hoping for Wednesday. While, I think it's important to do the Love Dare daily - it's worth doing period. Once you start, don't give up - even if you miss a few days.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Back on Track
I seem to be setting a pattern of every couple of days. Oh well, at least I keep going! Friday I was able to finally do day 3. It took me awhile to find something and it ended up just being something simple - OK, so I didn't put my all into, but it worked out OK. The main thing is, I accomplished another day.
Saturday I didn't do much. I kept forgetting to read to find out what the assignment was for day 4, but the day went well. I saw progress already on the other side! We went shopping today, and my husband but me a gift! He kept asking what I needed or wanted. It's hard for me sometimes to receive like that - I want him to know me well enough that he could buy me something without asking and it would just melt my heart! But I also have been around long enough to know that some men just aren't like that! (OK, most men!) Instead of being disappointed that it wasn't the way I wanted it, I decided to appreciate the effort and thought of something I would like that he could get for me. We both left the store happy. That's a good thing.
Today (Sunday) I did day 4. It was really pretty easy - just had to take 30 seconds of my time to accomplish today's dare. That was easy and I'm still working on not being negative. But get this - my honey is noticing something different - and I really haven't tried very hard. He said, "You're being really nice lately." I'm impressed. He noticed a change sooner than I expected. Please understand, I'm married to a great man - he's awesome - he's my friend and my strength. He just doesn't understand women much and we get so busy in ministry that we don't focus on each other like we should. That one comment from him today has got me wanting to try harder, put more effort into this, and believe that we may both be improved from this.
I encourage all of you - go do something nice for your spouse. Let him/her know they matter in your life. You never know what you might start.
Saturday I didn't do much. I kept forgetting to read to find out what the assignment was for day 4, but the day went well. I saw progress already on the other side! We went shopping today, and my husband but me a gift! He kept asking what I needed or wanted. It's hard for me sometimes to receive like that - I want him to know me well enough that he could buy me something without asking and it would just melt my heart! But I also have been around long enough to know that some men just aren't like that! (OK, most men!) Instead of being disappointed that it wasn't the way I wanted it, I decided to appreciate the effort and thought of something I would like that he could get for me. We both left the store happy. That's a good thing.
Today (Sunday) I did day 4. It was really pretty easy - just had to take 30 seconds of my time to accomplish today's dare. That was easy and I'm still working on not being negative. But get this - my honey is noticing something different - and I really haven't tried very hard. He said, "You're being really nice lately." I'm impressed. He noticed a change sooner than I expected. Please understand, I'm married to a great man - he's awesome - he's my friend and my strength. He just doesn't understand women much and we get so busy in ministry that we don't focus on each other like we should. That one comment from him today has got me wanting to try harder, put more effort into this, and believe that we may both be improved from this.
I encourage all of you - go do something nice for your spouse. Let him/her know they matter in your life. You never know what you might start.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
So far, not so good
I forgot to write yesterday. Doesn't much matter because I wasn't able to do the dare. Day three is hard! (Do I say that a lot?) It's actually just hard to do much in "giving" for my husband. He just doesn't want anything. It's not that I don't give, I give a lot, but during this "dare" I want to give above normal. I want to give in a way that he will notice I must have thought about it. Otherwise, it will just blend in. I haven't let him know that I'm doing this book - I just want him to notice that something's different in me. But that takes thought! . . . I'll think about it tomorrow.
Something else I'm realizing - how easily we set each other aside for ministry. I worked a 12 hour day today and didn't think about the Love Dare once - until I was headed for bed. I'll try harder tomorrow. Night!
Something else I'm realizing - how easily we set each other aside for ministry. I worked a 12 hour day today and didn't think about the Love Dare once - until I was headed for bed. I'll try harder tomorrow. Night!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Day 2
Today was hard for me. It wasn't bad - just hard. The thing I was suppose to do today was harder for me because it's something I do often and is rarely noticed - it's not something my hubby pays much attention to. So I had to really think about how to accomplish this dare in a way that he would notice. I made one attempt, but he didn't understand what I was doing. (PLEASE - buy the book so you know what I'm talking about!) I have one idea left - I'm not done yet! I have realized though that there are somethings that I will need to do knowing that I do them out of love and knowing that God sees and He will reward - and realizing that some of those things will pass right over my honey's head.
Still working on not saying anything negative. Why is it so easy to see everything wrong and harder to find all those things that are right. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot good about my marriage and my man - he has grown and improved more than any man I've ever known. I just find that turning from a negative person to a positive person is something I'm finding difficult.
As I said last night, I'm excited to see all that God is revealing to me ABOUT ME.
Still working on not saying anything negative. Why is it so easy to see everything wrong and harder to find all those things that are right. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot good about my marriage and my man - he has grown and improved more than any man I've ever known. I just find that turning from a negative person to a positive person is something I'm finding difficult.
As I said last night, I'm excited to see all that God is revealing to me ABOUT ME.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Day 1 - Love Dare
Today was different. Sometimes when we think we know what we are doing, we find out that God has a totally different plan. After our argument last night, I really did not feel like starting the Love Dare today. However, I had determined to do this so I did. I did not begin with a desire to please my spouse or better our marriage - I simply did it because I feel it is something God is asking me to do. So I determined to say nothing negative to my spouse today. Sadly, neither of us obeyed God to "make up" instead of going to bed angry. It is not exactly easy to say nothing negative to someone you're upset with. So there were several times that I had to simply say nothing. Again not easy for me - I'm usually VERY outspoken about how I feel!
I figured that I knew exactly how to get through this - simply say very little and basically close off until I had the opportunity to express myself. However, my refusal to be negative meant no fuel to the fire, and this evening my husband came to me and apologized. And he even was able to tell me where he had been at fault!
I was awed at God. I didn't have to point out what he had done wrong. I didn't have to defend myself or be hurtful. I gave it to God and expected nothing, but He proved again that I don't know it all! This day also made me realize something else. In my pity party, I was talking with God and saying that I will just never be able to love my husband the way he needs (basically saying I'm not good enough so why try) - after all when I try my best he says I'm not even trying. I realized (actually God told me) that he will never love me like I need either - that his best efforts seem like nothing to me at times. I was able to understand how my husband feels because I've felt like that before, often I'm too busy focusing on his faults to notice that we both have the same struggle.
So Day 1 is over and I think I was able to refrain from negativity. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book. I know it will be hard, and I'm actually no longer doing this thinking it might make him love me more. Instead, I'm thinking this journey may change me.
I figured that I knew exactly how to get through this - simply say very little and basically close off until I had the opportunity to express myself. However, my refusal to be negative meant no fuel to the fire, and this evening my husband came to me and apologized. And he even was able to tell me where he had been at fault!
I was awed at God. I didn't have to point out what he had done wrong. I didn't have to defend myself or be hurtful. I gave it to God and expected nothing, but He proved again that I don't know it all! This day also made me realize something else. In my pity party, I was talking with God and saying that I will just never be able to love my husband the way he needs (basically saying I'm not good enough so why try) - after all when I try my best he says I'm not even trying. I realized (actually God told me) that he will never love me like I need either - that his best efforts seem like nothing to me at times. I was able to understand how my husband feels because I've felt like that before, often I'm too busy focusing on his faults to notice that we both have the same struggle.
So Day 1 is over and I think I was able to refrain from negativity. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book. I know it will be hard, and I'm actually no longer doing this thinking it might make him love me more. Instead, I'm thinking this journey may change me.
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