I'm Free! Again

This morning was such a breakthrough for me. I got up early this morning to spend time in prayer. I've been dealing a lot lately with stuff from my past. Some times we think we've overcome something, just to have it end up right back in our face. I think we get so used to living with certain problems that we learn to cover them up and appear that things are OK. Until it resurfaces. God won't allow us to continue fooling ourselves - He desires that we be set totally free. This happened to me recently. I was abused as a child and had a lot of mistrust, anger, bitterness, etc. because of my past. Over the years I have worked very hard to move past those things and put them behind me. I no longer live in the fear or shyness that I used to - God has brought me so far that I thought I was over the abuse. But recently, I saw a picture on the internet of my abuser - and a lot of feelings came up that I thought I was over.

So, this morning in prayer I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. And I forgave the man who did this. And then I forgave my mom. That was my breakthrough - realizing that I blame her for a lot and realizing that she has her own stuff that makes her the way she is. I have to let go of my pain so that I can walk in freedom. I feel better than I have felt in several weeks. I feel free again. I have realized that we never truly "overcome" our past - it will always be a part of who I am. Instead of trying to remove it, I can realize that I will always be a woman who was abused as a child, however, I don't have to live with the effects of that abuse. I can use my past to help others and choose to let go of the hurts, etc.

So I an free - again. Or atleast until God brings something else to the surface for me to confront.

A Dream Came True

I am amazed it has been this long since I've written. Where does time go?? Anyway, I just have to brag on my hubby - he absolutely blew me away this time. Our anniversary is in August and about 2 weeks before, he told me not to plan anything because he wanted to plan the date this time. That in itself is amazing, seeing as how he's only planned one anniversary out of the 14 we've had! Actually, I was relieved because I've been so busy that I had already decided I wasn't planning anything special this year - just dinner and a really cool gift. Well, I met him after work and we went to Clearwater Beach. I thought he was taking me to Palm Pavillion, a restaurant we both like that sits right on the beach, but then we turned and started walking down where the boats are. We were looking at the different tour boats when we walked by this huge yacht. I stated that I'd never seen a boat that big, and he replied, "What about the boat we're going on tonight?" In front of us was an even bigger boat (or maybe it's a ship - I don't know) The Starlight Majesty! My incredibly sweet sexy husband made reservations for a dinner/dancing cruise at sunset. OK, so that in my book was perfect! But then, when we boarded, he had also gotten the anniversary package - roses, champagne, balloon, and our names announced! The entire night was incredible. I LOVE HIM!!!! (No, we did not drink the champagne - not that I think drinking is absolutely forbidden - but that is another blog.

Dealing with Change

OK, Finally I am settling in and getting my wits about me. For awhile I felt like I was in limbo; accomplishing nothing and going no where, but hopefully that is slowly changing. A few months ago, my husband felt that God was calling him to a certain church. I had no desire to even visit the church, but knew that I needed to respect the Spirit of God in my husband. Over time, God confirmed to me that we were indeed being called to this church and that it would allow me to leave my job and go into full time ministry. This has been the desire of my heart for a long time. A house was provided by the church, but I was in for quite a suprise - the house is the smallest house I've ever seen! It can't be more than 600 square feet total! And we have a teenager, a dog, and a ministry that we run from home! If it hadn't been for knowing that I knew that I knew that God wanted us to take this step; I never would have gone. Change is hard even when it's God's will. For the last couple months, we have been dealing with change; leaving old friends, changing jobs, moving, sorting, packing. We have had to let go of many of our things, and there are still things to go through. A huge yard sale should help ease some of the space issues!

It was also difficult finding my place at church. The first time I went to the Senior Pastor and asked what he wanted me to do, he told me to grow our ministry and step into my calling. What?! Thank you Jesus for freedom, but I really wanted a LITTLE direction and accountability! Anyway, things are going well, my husband and I have started a youth group, we're developing in-church ministries, I'm leading intercessory prayer, and possibly taking over a weekly women's Bible study. I LOVE MINISTRY! Here's the only problem - I started a new job. Why do I fear letting go? I know God told me to go full time, but I keep thinking I'll just work a few months to pay off some bills and then . . . yada yada yada. I'm doing books for a large ministry and the pay is good so it was hard to say no, but there is so much I need to be doing for our ministry. OK, as a write I'm so convicted, but I've already committed to this new job so now what? Why do I always do this to myself? I dream of writing books, building a drama team, and producing seminars and conferences and God has provided a way for me to not HAVE to work, yet I find it so hard to let go. Do I not trust God to take care of me? Father, give me the faith to step out.

Freedom is Gooood

Wow! I just read my last blog. How freeing the raw hard truth can be. My struggles are still the same, but I desire to face them, or atleast never stop trying. I have shared some of my hardest struggles with my Pastor and my intercessors group and another class that I'm involved in. Even though I still fail, having other people who pray for me (and question me) keeps my resolve fresh. I won't give up, I can never give up - it would mean settling for less than God has promised me. I have however decided to stop being so hard on myself. I get completely focused on the things that need changing and then I forget all that He's already done. God has freed me from drug addiction, alcoholism, cigarettes, promiscuity, abusive anger, and extreme fear - surely this is not to difficult for Him. I am choosing to continue to pray and try, but also to enjoy all that is right in my life; to look at all the positive - after all there was a time in my life when I could find nothing good abnd look at me now! I'm free, free, free! And getting freer everyday.

The Truth

I've been gone for awhile going through transition, but that will be for another time. Right now I must get this out. I struggle. I truly struggle. I am addicted to sugar and I want to be free. I use sugar the way a crack head uses cocaine and I hate it. It's not just a bad habit or even an addiction, but it's idolatry and gluttony and immense guilt to always live with this. It bothers my husband and it bothers me. I've thought of getting really real and sharing my daily battle as I confront this monster and perhaps I will, but here is my first major confrontation. For the past week, I have been trying to eat healthy. Well, today something happened and I realize why I eat. I thought that I had dealt with all my issues and that my eating had really just become a bad habit to be broken - no reasons for it, but now I know that that is not true. I eat to bury who I am. I eat because the issues underneath are so disgusting that even I can not bear to look at them. I feel like I am a dirty evil person that should never be allowed out - and so I remain - trapped under pounds of fat. My shame sends me running to food rather than God. How can I face God when I've failed miserably? Food comforts and helps me forget. As long as people think food is my problem, I'm OK. AS LONG AS I THINK food is my problem, I'm OK. The desire to be set free from ALL that holds me back grows stronger all the time, but how can I face who I am inside? How can I ever confront the monster that lurks beneath the fat facade? How can I ever admit who I really am? If I don't confront my weight, my marriage may end or I may die, but if I confront my weight, there are worse things waiting to rear their ugliness.

God, help me please. I don't know how you can possibly believe in me at times like this or why you would desire to help me, but your Word says you do. And I need you desparately. I do not understand why you would call me into ministry, but my heart cries out for freedom to walk in destiny.

Live Out Loud

I took a week of from work to spend some time focusing on ministry and the vision that God has given me. I feel like I haven't accomplished much, but yet I have clarity and peace that I haven't had in a long time. Again, God is taking us in a direction I never expected, but I don't remember God ever promising to do it my way. I don't know why I even bother to dream and plan for our ministry, because it's never done the way I think it will be done. I love watching Him open doors and make a way. He doesn't only open doors that look impossible to open, He opens doors you didn't even know were there! I love Jehovah! He is wonderful, incredible, magnificent! He takes care of us and even though I never would have picked this journey, I know He's going to protect us and grow us and bring us farther than we knew we could go. My normal attitude is to worry and look at the natural, but this morning I had an honest conversation with Jesus and His response was always a question. "Are you suppose to worry? Can you change anything through worry? Are you willing to give up everything for Me?" And the clincher - "Do you trust Me?" Yes I do! And I have decided to take chances and take the plunge! Has God EVER let me down? NO! Live large people! You've got one life. As the song says; La-La-La-La Live Out Loud!

Refreshed, relaxed, and rushed

I did something I've never done before. Even though we have tons of things going on right now, I let everything go and in 1 day planned a mini vacation for my family. We just came back from a few days in the Keys. I actually think we live in paradise - at least we HAVE beaches! However, sometimes you just have to get away. My family needed it - 3 days to ourselves and with each other - being tourists. We saw sights, climbed a lighthouse, toured Hemingway's mansion, went wave running, and had a blast at the sunset something. I forget what they call it, but there are several street performers and merchants and it's just great fun. I also got seasick for the first time ever. We rented a wonderful little condo with an ocean view - it was great. I feel so much closer to my family and rested - even though there's always so much to do. We've already started saving for the next trip!