Wii Would Like To Play

I am so tired. It's about 1:30 AM and I rarely stay up this late, but the whole family is still awake. All the vacation days have my schedule messed up and it's hard to get back into routine now. Since my family was gone for a week, I stayed up late every night. OK, I admit it, I get a little nervous about going to bed when I'm home alone. I fought through it and survived. I refused to show my fear (even though no one was there to notice). I still have to say I've come a long way seeing as how I was still locking my bedroom door, putting a chair in front of the door, hiding a knife under the mattress, AND sleeping with the covers over my head when I was in my 20's! (Did I mention that God has delivered me from MAJOR fear issues?) I've come a long way and it's all for the glory of God. I can say that truthfully because I hated life bound in fear and yet nothing I did helped. After I got saved, I just noticed small changes over time. Thank you Jesus!

We are up late for a specific reason tonight. The number one thing our daughter wanted for Christmas was a Wii. well, as most of you probably know, that was a very hard thing to find this year. My husband and I are not the kind of people to stand in long lines or battle mobs for toys so we had to make a decision - give her the next item on her list, or wait until after Christmas. We decided to wait til after Christmas, hoping the demand would go down some. I printed out a picture of the Wii and wrote "Gift Certificate, good for one Wii console and one game." Hubby & I both signed it, then I folded it as small as I could, wrapped it, taped it to the bottom of a large box, filled the box with plastic bags, and wrapped that box. It just happened to be the last item she picked to open Christmas day. I wasn't sure how she would take it - thought she might be disappointed not having something she could actually use. Well, she opened it and began to cry, which made me cry. That paper is now hanging on her bedroom wall. she said it meant so much because she knew there was no way she was getting one and had let the dream go.

Well, the other day I called wal-mart and found out that a truck was coming in at midnight January 06. The manager said there would probably be a line of people and I figured I wasn't going out that late anyway. And definitely wasn't going to stand in a line for several hours! Today I told our daughter that we could drive over around 11 and see if there was a line and go from there. They only had 4 Wii's and we were the first ones there. I am so thankful. god takes care of the details. Our daughter has her gift and we have video of her crying! Also, my husband turned 33 at 12:01 this morning so of course they are playing the new video games and will probably be up all night.

That's my story for tonight.

Dealing with Change

OK, Finally I am settling in and getting my wits about me. For awhile I felt like I was in limbo; accomplishing nothing and going no where, but hopefully that is slowly changing. A few months ago, my husband felt that God was calling him to a certain church. I had no desire to even visit the church, but knew that I needed to respect the Spirit of God in my husband. Over time, God confirmed to me that we were indeed being called to this church and that it would allow me to leave my job and go into full time ministry. This has been the desire of my heart for a long time. A house was provided by the church, but I was in for quite a suprise - the house is the smallest house I've ever seen! It can't be more than 600 square feet total! And we have a teenager, a dog, and a ministry that we run from home! If it hadn't been for knowing that I knew that I knew that God wanted us to take this step; I never would have gone. Change is hard even when it's God's will. For the last couple months, we have been dealing with change; leaving old friends, changing jobs, moving, sorting, packing. We have had to let go of many of our things, and there are still things to go through. A huge yard sale should help ease some of the space issues!

It was also difficult finding my place at church. The first time I went to the Senior Pastor and asked what he wanted me to do, he told me to grow our ministry and step into my calling. What?! Thank you Jesus for freedom, but I really wanted a LITTLE direction and accountability! Anyway, things are going well, my husband and I have started a youth group, we're developing in-church ministries, I'm leading intercessory prayer, and possibly taking over a weekly women's Bible study. I LOVE MINISTRY! Here's the only problem - I started a new job. Why do I fear letting go? I know God told me to go full time, but I keep thinking I'll just work a few months to pay off some bills and then . . . yada yada yada. I'm doing books for a large ministry and the pay is good so it was hard to say no, but there is so much I need to be doing for our ministry. OK, as a write I'm so convicted, but I've already committed to this new job so now what? Why do I always do this to myself? I dream of writing books, building a drama team, and producing seminars and conferences and God has provided a way for me to not HAVE to work, yet I find it so hard to let go. Do I not trust God to take care of me? Father, give me the faith to step out.

The Truth

I've been gone for awhile going through transition, but that will be for another time. Right now I must get this out. I struggle. I truly struggle. I am addicted to sugar and I want to be free. I use sugar the way a crack head uses cocaine and I hate it. It's not just a bad habit or even an addiction, but it's idolatry and gluttony and immense guilt to always live with this. It bothers my husband and it bothers me. I've thought of getting really real and sharing my daily battle as I confront this monster and perhaps I will, but here is my first major confrontation. For the past week, I have been trying to eat healthy. Well, today something happened and I realize why I eat. I thought that I had dealt with all my issues and that my eating had really just become a bad habit to be broken - no reasons for it, but now I know that that is not true. I eat to bury who I am. I eat because the issues underneath are so disgusting that even I can not bear to look at them. I feel like I am a dirty evil person that should never be allowed out - and so I remain - trapped under pounds of fat. My shame sends me running to food rather than God. How can I face God when I've failed miserably? Food comforts and helps me forget. As long as people think food is my problem, I'm OK. AS LONG AS I THINK food is my problem, I'm OK. The desire to be set free from ALL that holds me back grows stronger all the time, but how can I face who I am inside? How can I ever confront the monster that lurks beneath the fat facade? How can I ever admit who I really am? If I don't confront my weight, my marriage may end or I may die, but if I confront my weight, there are worse things waiting to rear their ugliness.

God, help me please. I don't know how you can possibly believe in me at times like this or why you would desire to help me, but your Word says you do. And I need you desparately. I do not understand why you would call me into ministry, but my heart cries out for freedom to walk in destiny.

Live Out Loud

I took a week of from work to spend some time focusing on ministry and the vision that God has given me. I feel like I haven't accomplished much, but yet I have clarity and peace that I haven't had in a long time. Again, God is taking us in a direction I never expected, but I don't remember God ever promising to do it my way. I don't know why I even bother to dream and plan for our ministry, because it's never done the way I think it will be done. I love watching Him open doors and make a way. He doesn't only open doors that look impossible to open, He opens doors you didn't even know were there! I love Jehovah! He is wonderful, incredible, magnificent! He takes care of us and even though I never would have picked this journey, I know He's going to protect us and grow us and bring us farther than we knew we could go. My normal attitude is to worry and look at the natural, but this morning I had an honest conversation with Jesus and His response was always a question. "Are you suppose to worry? Can you change anything through worry? Are you willing to give up everything for Me?" And the clincher - "Do you trust Me?" Yes I do! And I have decided to take chances and take the plunge! Has God EVER let me down? NO! Live large people! You've got one life. As the song says; La-La-La-La Live Out Loud!