Day 9

While I recommend that anyone wanting to improve their marriage should do the Love Dare, I don't recommend doing it the way I do. Do NOT take a month to work through 1 week! I am being convicted that while I am doing a good thing, it is becoming obvious where my priorities lie. I love my family very much, but taking on this project is showing me how much I allow ministry, work, cleaning, etc to fill my days and thus it takes me a week sometimes to do one Dare. I am making a greater effort to do the dare each day. I believe the most important thing is that we keep going and not stop or give up, but I will work harder to do the devotions/dare more regularly.

The days are going well. I have had times of self revelation and honesty. I started Day 9 three days ago but don't feel that I've had the opportunity to really complete the task, so I'm focusing on Day 9 today. I have noticed over and over, that every time I make an effort to be pleasant or kind that it is never received negatively. I'm noticing that I can stop a lot of the dissension that we do have (not that we have very much) by refusing to respond in a negative way. Most of our disagreements are caused by one of us being defensive instead of understanding. I am grateful that we don't fight often, but I desire to stop the petty, needless stuff. There is so much more to living than always having to be right. I want to spend more time enjoying the incredible gift that God has given me in my family.

I'm running behind.

I realized yesterday that I'm actually on day 8 now. I guess that's what happens when you don't stay consistent! Day 6 took me several days to complete because it required time and I'm not so good with that. Before this, the dares have been simple tasks that require very little effort - or they're fun and you don't mind doing them (like shopping)!! But day 6 requires you to sit down and think, take a look at yourself, and write some stuff down. I was more than willing to do that, it was just making the time to complete the task that was my problem. I don't have an issue with looking at my faults and weaknesses - I reached the point a long time ago of wanting change, fun, and contentment over hiding and avoidance. I admit I need work - so I spent some time going over where I need to adjust my schedule - still not sure how I'm going to do that - and looking at how I react to certain situations and what that means. I discovered there are still some character defects in my life that I would rather not have. I still have some pride and selfishness that needs to be released. The awesome thing is - God loves me so much, He won't let me stay this way.

That's my prayer today. That the Holy Spirit continue to search my heart - and remove any bitterness, hurt, pride, fear (and so on) that still remains. Bring to my attention when I'm about to say or do something for the wrong reasons. Help me to be a better example of who you've taught me to be. In Jesus' Name. Amen

Day 5

Consistency is obviously a problem for me! It stuns me that another week has gone by. I'm still doing the Love Dare, but it seems to be going at my pace rather than daily. I did Day 5 about a week ago. It was easy for me - which shows me how I've grown over the years. I had to ask my husband what I do that he finds irritating - and stay calm and friendly while doing so! There was a time in my life when I would have been on edge waiting for his reply and then I would have had to defend myself once he answered. I love change! I was able to ask and hear his response. In fact, I already had a pretty good idea of what irritates him about me. Complete honesty - I do some of those things on purpose when I want to irritate him. (Yes, I admit it, I am a Pastor & a Pastor's wife and yet I sometimes push buttons and irritate my man on purpose!)

How do I irritate him?
1. When I take our child's side instead of his (in front of her). Actually, he said that doesn't just irritate him - it makes him flat out mad. I know, I know - never disagree in front of your child when it concerns your child - I'm working on it, believe me I'm working on it.
OK, I know this is a valid point and he's right on this issue so I need to work harder on supporting him (even when I disagree).
2. I probably should not admit this since I'm in ministry and there are lots of people who like to judge those in ministry, but I believe in being honest and real. God has asked me to strive and never give up - he knows I miss it sometimes. So, the second thing about me that irritates my husband is when I get really, really mad - sometimes I will curse. It really bothers him. It actually bothers me to. I don't like reaching that point. In the world, I had a horrible mouth for years and it took me quite a while to use bad language less and less often. Now when I reach the point of saying something I don't want to say - I have to go back to God and ask Him to examine my heart. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. If ungodly things come out of my mouth, then I believe there is an issue with my heart. Then I have to humble myself and apologize to God and my husband.
3. The last thing he said that irritates him is when I don't walk in my God given purpose. Sometimes he sees more potential in me then I can see in myself. He gets frustrated when I walk beneath my potential. That's actually really sweet.

So, I was blessed by this assignment. My honey has valid things that bother him. Things that I admit I need to work on. Again, I come away surprised at how much we've grown. I'm so greatful that we've come to a place in our relationship that we can have conversations like this without it starting a fight - and the responses are real - not the petty little things that use to drive us crazy about each other.

I have read Day 6 and unfortunately have kept putting it off - not because I don't want to do, but because it will require a little more insight and effort on my part. I hoping for Wednesday. While, I think it's important to do the Love Dare daily - it's worth doing period. Once you start, don't give up - even if you miss a few days.

Back on Track

I seem to be setting a pattern of every couple of days. Oh well, at least I keep going! Friday I was able to finally do day 3. It took me awhile to find something and it ended up just being something simple - OK, so I didn't put my all into, but it worked out OK. The main thing is, I accomplished another day.

Saturday I didn't do much. I kept forgetting to read to find out what the assignment was for day 4, but the day went well. I saw progress already on the other side! We went shopping today, and my husband but me a gift! He kept asking what I needed or wanted. It's hard for me sometimes to receive like that - I want him to know me well enough that he could buy me something without asking and it would just melt my heart! But I also have been around long enough to know that some men just aren't like that! (OK, most men!) Instead of being disappointed that it wasn't the way I wanted it, I decided to appreciate the effort and thought of something I would like that he could get for me. We both left the store happy. That's a good thing.

Today (Sunday) I did day 4. It was really pretty easy - just had to take 30 seconds of my time to accomplish today's dare. That was easy and I'm still working on not being negative. But get this - my honey is noticing something different - and I really haven't tried very hard. He said, "You're being really nice lately." I'm impressed. He noticed a change sooner than I expected. Please understand, I'm married to a great man - he's awesome - he's my friend and my strength. He just doesn't understand women much and we get so busy in ministry that we don't focus on each other like we should. That one comment from him today has got me wanting to try harder, put more effort into this, and believe that we may both be improved from this.

I encourage all of you - go do something nice for your spouse. Let him/her know they matter in your life. You never know what you might start.

So far, not so good

I forgot to write yesterday. Doesn't much matter because I wasn't able to do the dare. Day three is hard! (Do I say that a lot?) It's actually just hard to do much in "giving" for my husband. He just doesn't want anything. It's not that I don't give, I give a lot, but during this "dare" I want to give above normal. I want to give in a way that he will notice I must have thought about it. Otherwise, it will just blend in. I haven't let him know that I'm doing this book - I just want him to notice that something's different in me. But that takes thought! . . . I'll think about it tomorrow.

Something else I'm realizing - how easily we set each other aside for ministry. I worked a 12 hour day today and didn't think about the Love Dare once - until I was headed for bed. I'll try harder tomorrow. Night!

Day 2

Today was hard for me. It wasn't bad - just hard. The thing I was suppose to do today was harder for me because it's something I do often and is rarely noticed - it's not something my hubby pays much attention to. So I had to really think about how to accomplish this dare in a way that he would notice. I made one attempt, but he didn't understand what I was doing. (PLEASE - buy the book so you know what I'm talking about!) I have one idea left - I'm not done yet! I have realized though that there are somethings that I will need to do knowing that I do them out of love and knowing that God sees and He will reward - and realizing that some of those things will pass right over my honey's head.

Still working on not saying anything negative. Why is it so easy to see everything wrong and harder to find all those things that are right. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot good about my marriage and my man - he has grown and improved more than any man I've ever known. I just find that turning from a negative person to a positive person is something I'm finding difficult.

As I said last night, I'm excited to see all that God is revealing to me ABOUT ME.

Day 1 - Love Dare

Today was different. Sometimes when we think we know what we are doing, we find out that God has a totally different plan. After our argument last night, I really did not feel like starting the Love Dare today. However, I had determined to do this so I did. I did not begin with a desire to please my spouse or better our marriage - I simply did it because I feel it is something God is asking me to do. So I determined to say nothing negative to my spouse today. Sadly, neither of us obeyed God to "make up" instead of going to bed angry. It is not exactly easy to say nothing negative to someone you're upset with. So there were several times that I had to simply say nothing. Again not easy for me - I'm usually VERY outspoken about how I feel!

I figured that I knew exactly how to get through this - simply say very little and basically close off until I had the opportunity to express myself. However, my refusal to be negative meant no fuel to the fire, and this evening my husband came to me and apologized. And he even was able to tell me where he had been at fault!

I was awed at God. I didn't have to point out what he had done wrong. I didn't have to defend myself or be hurtful. I gave it to God and expected nothing, but He proved again that I don't know it all! This day also made me realize something else. In my pity party, I was talking with God and saying that I will just never be able to love my husband the way he needs (basically saying I'm not good enough so why try) - after all when I try my best he says I'm not even trying. I realized (actually God told me) that he will never love me like I need either - that his best efforts seem like nothing to me at times. I was able to understand how my husband feels because I've felt like that before, often I'm too busy focusing on his faults to notice that we both have the same struggle.

So Day 1 is over and I think I was able to refrain from negativity. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book. I know it will be hard, and I'm actually no longer doing this thinking it might make him love me more. Instead, I'm thinking this journey may change me.

Total Failure

OK, so much for this plan of mine. I actually started this book a few days ago and did quite well the first day, but I totally blew it today. I found it so hard to not be negative to my spouse. OK, I can't tell you the assignment every day because it's only fair that you buy the book, but the 1st day is to not say anything negative. I blew that one majorly today. In fact we ended up in a huge arguement and now I'm shaking trying to type this. (Yes, even Pastors have fights!) I thought I would start fresh tomorrow, but it's hard when you're hurting to be willing to love first. I know God is taking me to that place - to learn to put away selfishness and learn real love. I want that, but it is hard to move past the selfishness. I want to pull away and close off until he realizes how much his behavior hurts me. I've made a real effort and it hurts when he makes it clear that my effort is meaningless. I think what bothers me the most is that we are having problems communicating and while we both are trying to meet the others needs - the other one just doesn't see it. If we could just understand each other. I know things will not change over night and honestly, things are usually not that bad here. I love my husband, but sometimes I feel like I can never please him so why even try. Funny thing is, I know he feels the exact same way about me. Hmmmm .. .. ..

So maybe I can try to say nothing negative all day tomorrow and still be closed off because I'm hurting and I don't know how to express just how much I'm hurting.

The Love Dare

Where does time go? I'm amazed it's been that long since I've written. I've decided to do something that will hopefully help me get in the habit of blogging more regularly. Last week we took a group of couples to see "Fireproof" at the theatre. It was an excellent movie and I urge EVERYONE (married or not) to go see it. This week I bought the book that is mentioned in the movie. (You have to see the movie to truly understand what's about to happen here.) I have decided to take the challenge. I've also decided to blog about the experience - hopefully I'll get on here everyday and share what this challenge is like for me over the next 40 days. I have a feeling it may change me more than "him," but maybe that's OK. Why don't you take this challenge with me? Of course, you'll have to buy the book - it just wouldn't be right for me to tell you what you're suppose to do each day - but I believe it's a worthwhile investment into you relationships, your future, and yourself. I have already started and plan to be back later to share with you my first day experience.